OLD SAM'S PARTY

Several friends have asked if I have a book of Stanley Holloway Monologues - the answer is 'yes' and a couple of years ago I keyed them all into my word processor - I knew most of them anyway. I would be pleased to provide details of the book if requested. Oh! and Bernie please note the accent is Northern England, Lancashire, and not Cockney, for all the Sam Small and Albert stories, although Stanley does some in Cockney, namely 'Braun Boots' which I will cover in due course.

OLD SAM'S PARTY
by M. Hogan and Mabel Constanduros (1933)

Sam Small, though approaching his sixtieth year
Were feeling all brisk-like and hearty,
So he sent out an invite when Christmas drew near
And asked all his friends to a party.

There was old ale and sandwiches, beef and cold tongue,
And trifle with gooseberry jam,
And parkin and humbugs, a couple of ducks,
And lovely great platefuls of ham.

Sam's Captain were there from his old Army days,
A man for his strictness renowned,
And Lieutenant Bird and the Sergeant, the same
Who once knocked Sam's musket on t'ground.

They were shy like at first for the Captain was glum,
And Lieutenant Bird a bit coy,
Then two masters arrived from the school at Runcorn,
Where Sam used to go as a boy.

The junior tutor, a classy young man
In a very old mortar board 'at,
Walked up to the ale with 'is eyes bulging out
And said, "I'd like a basin of that."

The language professor he said with a bow,
"Bon Noel" and sat down on a bench,
"Fait il froid par demi," he went on, Sam explained,
"He means weather's fair ruddy," he's French.

Then Lieutenant Bird volunteered for a song,
Accompanied by Sergeant McNally,
"Of all the girls that are so smart
There's non like pretty Sally."

Then t'Captain jumped up, said he'd not be outdone,
He played for himself with one finger.
There were tears in all eyes as he'd finished the song;
He was a magnificent singer.

He'd start a bit husky, but nothing to last,
His voice cleared up fine when he'd coughed:
"Faithful below, Tom did his duty,
But now he's gone aloft, but now he's gone aloft."

As 'is last trembling note died away in a gulp,
Came a clatter of hoofs from outside.
Sam pulled back the blind and flushed up to his ears,
"It's the Duke!" he announced with much pride.

And it were - up 'e rode on 'is lovely white horse.
Sam faltered, "Why, Duke, is it you ?
And thee with lumbago, and snow on the ground.
I take it most kind, that I do."

"Gradely, lad," said the Duke, condescending and kind.
"By Gum, but how well you do look.
This room's a bit stuffy and hot. Do you mind
If I hang up me coat on this hook ?"

Then a thunderous banging was heard on the door,
And t'bell gave furious ring.
They all turned quite pale as a voice from outside
Cried, "Open, in t'name of the King."

Sam op'ned the door. There 'e stood, George the Fourth,
A model of beauty and grace.
His crown on 'is head and sceptre in 'and,
And behind him stood Queen with the mace.

"Thee told us," said King, "when we come up thy way
To call and take pot luck with thee.
And seeing we're up for the cup-tie tha' knows
The Queen and me's popped in to tea."

They hung up their crowns on the stand in the hall.
Sam paid off their cab, eighteen pence.
The Queen parked her mace in Sam's umbrella stand,
"Reet," she said, "Now let party commence."

Well things was a bit rigid-like just at first,
The room was fair 'thrutched up' with folks,
'Til Queen quite nonchalant unbuttoned one boot,
And King made some rather rude jokes.

The up jumped the Duke and said, "Let's 'ave a game,
Now what shall we play ? -Blind man's buff ?"
But Queen said, "I'd rather 'ave musical chairs,
It isn't so common and rough."

In the midst of the game two more people arrived,
It was Mister and Missus Ramsbottom.
When they saw King and Queen playing musical chairs,
They were struck dumb, as if you 'ad shot 'em.

For there sat the Queen and the Duke on one chair,
Fair pushing and shoving each other.
Mister Ramsbottom said, "Nay, we musn't intrude,
We're nobbut plain folk, me and Mother."

"Don't be shy," called the Queen, very friendly and kind,
"Come in now and take off thy hat.
Why you don't say you've left lttle Albert behind ?
A fine little fellow was that."

"What hasn't thou 'eard ?" Missus Ramsbottom searched
For a dry spot of 'hanky' to cry on.
"He went for the day to the Zoo at Blackpool,
And our Albert was 'ate' by a Lion."

"Eee Missus Ramsbottom," said Queen, "that is sad,
But thee got compensation, my dear ?"
"Not us," said the Ramsbottom's very irate,
"So we shan't go to Blackpool this year."

Well after they'd all had a drop of old ale
To give the proceedings a bite,
While Missus Ramsbottom retired with the Queen,
The Sergeant got up to recite.

"Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me thy lug-holes."
He slowly and weightily said.
The 'e stuck for a bit, and knocked over 'is glass,
So they leant 'im some old ale instead.

The Duke then arose to deliver a speech,
The glass in 'is hand non too stable.
But what with lumbago, and what with old ale
He'd to grip pretty tight to the table.

"Why Sam, where's thy medal ? he suddenly cried,
And set his glass down with a slam.
"Thee won the V.C. King had medal for thee."
"I know he'd a medal," snapped Sam.

The Queen glanced at King, who had opened his mouth
Intending a moral to teach.
"Nay, nay, Georgy luv, shut thy face," said the Queen,
"And let Arthur get on with 'is speech."

They all clapped their 'ands and then sung out aloud,
Demanding a speech from their host.
And Sam, very bashful, said, "Well, I don't mind.
Fill t'glasses, I'll give thee a toast."

"Well friends, here's a health to all those that I love,
And a health to all those that love me.
A health to all those that love those that I love
And to those that love those that love me."