Albert Comes Back (or The Return of Albert)

THE RETURN OF ALBERT
(Albert Comes Back)
by Marriott Edgar (1934)

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You've 'eard 'ow young Albert Ramsbottom,
In the Zoo up at Blackpool one year,
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
Gave a Lion a poke in the ear.

The name of the Lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made 'im wild;
And before you could say, "Bob's your Uncle."
'E'd up and 'e'd swallowed the child.

'E were sorry the moment 'e'd done it,
With children 'e'd always been chums,
And besides, 'e'd no teeth in his noddle,
And 'e couldn't chew Albert on t'gums.

'E could feel the lad moving inside 'im,
As 'e lay on 'is bed of dried ferns,
And it might 'ave been little lad's birthday,
'E wished 'im such happy returns.

But Albert kept kicking and fighting,
'Til Wallace arose feeling bad,
And felt it were time that 'e started
To stage a come-back for the lad.

So with 'is 'ead down in a corner,
On 'is front paws 'e started to walk,
And 'e coughed and 'e sneezed and 'e gargled,
'Til Albert shot out like a cork.

Old Wallace felt better directly,
And 'is figure once more became lean,
But the only difference with Albert
Was 'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean.

Meanwhile Mister and Missus Ramsbottom
'Ad gone 'ome to tea feeling blue;
Ma says, "I feel down in the mouth like".
Pa says, "Aye! I bet Albert does too."

Said Ma, "It just goes for to show you
That the future is never revealed,
If I thought we was going to lose 'im
I'd have not 'ad 'is boots soled and 'eeled."

"Let's look on the bright side," said Father,
"What can't be 'elped must be endured,
Every cloud 'as a silvery lining,
And we did 'ave young Albert insured."

A knock at the door came that moment,
As Father these kind words did speak,
'Twas the man from t'Prudential,
'E'd called for their 'tuppence per person per week'.

When Father saw who 'ad been knocking,
'E laughed and 'e kept laughing so,
That the young man said, "What's there to laugh at ?"
Pa said, "You'll laugh an' all when you know."

"Excuse 'im for laughing," said Mother,
"But really things 'appen so strange,
Our Albert's been 'ate' by a Lion,
You've got to pay us for a change."

Said the young 'feller' from the Prudential,
"Now, come come, let's understand this,
You don't mean to say that you've lost 'im ?"
Ma says, "Oh no! we know where 'e is."

When the young man 'ad 'eard all the details,
A bag from 'is pocket he drew,
And 'e paid them with int'rest and bonus,
The sum of nine pounds four and two.

Pa 'ad scarce got 'is 'ands on the money,
When a face at the window they see,
And Mother says, "Eeh! look, it's Albert."
And Father says, "Aye, it would be."

Young Albert came in all excited,
And started 'is story to give,
And Pa said, "I'll never trust Lions
Again, not as long as I live."

The young 'feller' from the Prudential
To pick up the money began,
And Father says, "Eeh! just a moment,
Don't be in a hurry young man."

Then giving young Albert a shilling,
He said, "Pop off, back to the Zoo.
'Ere's yer stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
Go and see what the Tigers can do!"

Now - something interesting! Look at the line . . . . . . . . . . . "Every cloud 'as a silvery lining"

That line inspired my main blog title, Clouds and Silvery Linings

I will post another Albert and the Lion story tomorrow - and I am pleased to say I have discovered two very recent ones, the last one is dated 2005. I shall post these as well.

There is a considerable present day following of these monologues I am pleased to say ~ Eddie