Sam's Medal

Sadly, we have come to the end of the Albert Ramsbottom Monologues - but do not be too sad because there are lots of Sam Small stories to come, including this cracker which I can just about remember to recite, after a few drinks!!

SAM'S MEDAL
by Mabel Constanduros and Michael Hogan (1933)

You've 'eard of Samuel Small per'aps ?
A lad of bull-dog breed,
'Oo saved 'is Sergeant Major's life;
A most unusual deed.

At Waterloo 'e fought and bled,
And when the war was won,
The King a medal struck for Sam,
Because of what 'e'd done.

So Sam came up to Palace Gates,
In famous London town.
A Sentry in a Busby 'at
Was walkin' up and down.

The Sentry stopped and looked at Sam,
"Excuse me, mate," said he,
"Might you be Private Samuel Small ?"
And Sam said, "Aye, that's me!"

"Well, go on in," said Sentry, "Quick!"
And gave the gate a slam,
"King's got a medal there for thee!"
"I know 'e 'as," said Sam.

Well, Sam pushed open Palace Door
And stood in 'oly 'ush;
He found himself inside a room,
All marble busts and plush.

Archbishop in a red cocked 'at,
And breeches white and blue,
Said, "Is your name Sam Small, me lad ?"
"It is," said Sam, " 'Ow do!"

"Don't loiter then," says Bishop, sharp,
"Like nursemaid wi' a pram.
The King's got medal there for thee."
"I know 'e 'as," said Sam.

Upstairs Sam met Prime Minister,
A top-'at on 'is 'ead.
'Is trousers they was velvetine;
One leg was blue - one red.

'E glanced at Sam all 'aughty-like
And asked 'im, "Might you be
A man called Private Samuel Small ?"
And Sam said, "Ay, that's me."

"Well don't keep King all night," 'e said,
"Surprised at thee, I am.
'E's got thy medal there 'as King."
"I KNOW 'e 'as," said Sam.

But when Sam came on King and Queen,
His awe he couldn't smother;
For there sat King - one hand held th'orb,
And scepter was in t'other.

Sam grasped the situation like
In less than half a jiff,
He gave a very smart salute
And knocked his 'at skew-whiff.

"Tha' must be Samuel Small," said King.
"That's reet," said Sam, "I am."
"Well, I've a medal 'ere for thee."
"I KNOW thou 'ast," said Sam.

"Don't be impatient, Sam," says King,
"Before 'tis 'anded you,
There's certain grave formalities
Which must be gotten through."

"The V.C.'s granted Samuel Small,"
The King began to read,
"For saving Sergeant-Major's life;
A most unusual deed.

"Dragged 'im to safety under fire,
When serving in the line.
Now tell me, Sam, how came you do
This deed, so brave and fine ?"

"Well now," said Sam, " 'twas like this 'ere,
That Sergeant-Major come
Towards our trenches, very drunk,
A-wavin' jar of rum.

"And just as we was lettin' forth
A loud triumphant shout,
A darned great gun - excuse me, Queen -
Went off and laid 'im out.

"I rushed and grabbed the precious jar;
'E seized me round the 'tum' -
Your pardon, Queen. So 'e got saved,
As well as jar of rum!"

"But if there'd been no rum," said King,
"Though death might sound his knell,
Thou would'st 'ave done this same brave deed ?"
"I would!" said Sam, "Like 'ell!"

"Did you 'ear that ?" said King to Queen.
She said, "Indeed I did!"
"Don't give 'im ruddy medal then!"
And nor they never did.