Runcorn Ferry (Tuppence Per Person Per Trip)

Now this monologue is revelant to my youth. I was born in Widnes, Cheshire, and this story is about crossing the River Mersey from Runcorn to Widnes. Apparently 'no-one wanted to go to either place and trade wasn't any too good!' Hmm! - I can understand that sentiment! I remember the Transporter Bridge (now demolished and replaced with a a spanking new bridge) but I am not that ancient to remember Old Ted the Boatman who, in this delightful story, wants to maximise his profits. However, he meets his match in Mr Ramsbottom who likes a bargain and schemes to get one! I used to recite this monologue often.


RUNCORN FERRY
(Tuppence Per Person Per Trip)
by Marriott Edgar (1933)


On the banks of the Mersey, over on Cheshire side,
Lies Runcorn that's best known to fame
By Transporter Bridge as takes folks over it's stream,
Or else brings 'em back across same.

In days afore Transporter Bridge were put up
A Ferry Boat lay in the slip,
And old Ted the Boatman would row folks across
At per tuppence per person per trip.

Now Runcorn lay over on one side of stream
And Widnes on t'other side stood,
And as nobody wanted to go either place -
Well, the trade wasn't any too good.

One ev'ning to Ted's superlative surprise
Three customers came into view -
A Mister and Missus Ramsbottom it were,
And Albert, their little son too.

"How much for the three ?" Mister Ramsbottom asked,
As 'is 'and to his pocket did dip.
Ted said, "Same for three as it would be for one:
Per tuppence per person per trip."

"You're not charging tuppence for that little lad ?"
Said Mother, her eyes flashing wild.
"Per tuppence per person per trip," answered Ted,
"Per woman, per man or per child."

"Five pence for three, that's the most that I'll pay,"
Says Father, "Don't waste time in t'talk."
"Per tuppence per person per trip," answered Ted,
"And them as can't pay 'as to walk."

"We can walk an' all," said Father, "come, Mother,
It's none so deep, t'weather's quite mild."
So into the water the three of them stepped
- The father, the mother, the child.

The further they paddled the deeper it got,
But they wouldn't give in, once begun;
In the sprit that's made Lancashire what she is
They'd sooner be 'drownded' than done.

Very soon the old people were up to their necks
And the little lad clean out of sight.
Said Father, "Where's Albert ?" and Mother replied,
"I've got 'old of 'is 'and, 'e's alright."

'Twere just at that moment Pa got an idea,
And floundering back to old Ted,
'E said, "We walked that way, come take us the rest
For half price, that's a penny a head."

But Ted wasn't standing for none of that there,
And making an obstinate lip,
"Per tuppence per person per trip," Ted replied,
"Per trip or per part of per trip."

"Alright then," said Father, "Let me take the boat,
And I'll pick up the others half-way,
I'll row them across and I'll bring the boat back.
And thruppence in t'bargain I'll pay."

'Twere money for nothing. Ted answered, "Right-o,"
And Father got 'old of the sculls.
With the sharp end of boat t'wards middle of stream
‘E were there in a couple of pulls.

'E got Mother out, it were rather a job -
With the water she weighed 'alf-a-ton;
Then pushing the oar down the side of the boat
Started fishing around for his son.

When poor little Albert came up to the top
'Is collar was soggy and limp,
And with 'olding his breath at the bottom so long
'Is face were as red as as a shrimp.

Pa took them across and 'e brought the boat back,
And 'e said to old Ted on the slip,
"Wilt row me across by myself ?"
Ted said, "Aye! at per tuppence per person per trip".

When they got t'other side Father laughed fit to bust,
‘E'd got best of bargain, you see,
'E'd worked it all out, and 'e'd got 'is own way
And 'e'd paid nobbut fivepence for three.

Albert's Reuinion with The Lion

This monologue is not well known and I doubt whether it was recorded by Stanley Holloway - but it makes up the trilogy.

ALBERT'S REUNION
by Stanley Holloway (1978)

You've heard of Albert Ramsbottom,
And Missus Ramsbottom and Dad,
And the trouble the poor Lion went to
Trying to stomach the lad.

Now after the Lion disgorged him,
Quite many a day had gone by;
But the Lion just sat there and brooded
With a far away look in his eye.

The Keepers could 'nowt' do with Lion
He seemed to be suffering pain,
He seemed to be fretting for summat,
And the curl went out of his mane.

He looked at his food and ignored it,
Just gazed far away into space;
When Keepers tried forcible feeding
They got it all back in their face.

And at Mister and Missus Ramsbottom's
The same kind of thing had begun -
And though they tried all sorts of measures,
They couldn't rouse Albert, their son.

Now Mister Ramsbottom got fed up
With trying to please him in vain,
And said, "If you don't start to buck up
I'll take you to Lion again."

Now instead of the lad getting frightened
And starting to quake at the knees,
He seemed to be highly delighted
And shouted, "Oh, Dad, if you please."

His Father thought he had gone potty,
His Mother went nearly insane,
But Albert just stood there and bellowed,
"I want to see Lion again."

Now Mister and Missus Ramsbottom
Decided the best thing to do,
Was to give way to Albert
And take him staight'way back to Zoo.

The moment the Lion saw Albert,
'Twere the first time for weeks it had stirred:
It moved the left side of its whiskers,
Then lay on its back and just purred.

And before anybody could stop him,
Young Albert were stroking its paws;
And whilst the crowd screamed for the Keepers
The little lad opened its jaws.

The crowd by this time were dumbfounded,
His mother was out to the wide,
But they knew by the lumps and the bulges
That Albert were once more inside.

Then all of a sudden the Lion
Stood up and let out a roar;
And Albert, all smiling and happy,
Came out with a thud on the floor.

The crowd by this time were all cheering,
And Albert stood there looking grand
With his stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
Clutched in his young chubby hand.

The Lion grew so fond of Albert
He couldn't be parted from lad;
And so the Zoological Keepers
Sent round a note to his Dad.

"We regret to say Lion is worried
And pining for your little man,
So sending you Lion tomorrow,
Arriving in plain covered van."

And if you call round any evening,
I'll tell you just what you will see -
Albert is reading to Lion in bed.
And what is he reading ?

BORN FREE

Albert Comes Back (or The Return of Albert)

THE RETURN OF ALBERT
(Albert Comes Back)
by Marriott Edgar (1934)

______________________

.

You've 'eard 'ow young Albert Ramsbottom,
In the Zoo up at Blackpool one year,
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
Gave a Lion a poke in the ear.

The name of the Lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made 'im wild;
And before you could say, "Bob's your Uncle."
'E'd up and 'e'd swallowed the child.

'E were sorry the moment 'e'd done it,
With children 'e'd always been chums,
And besides, 'e'd no teeth in his noddle,
And 'e couldn't chew Albert on t'gums.

'E could feel the lad moving inside 'im,
As 'e lay on 'is bed of dried ferns,
And it might 'ave been little lad's birthday,
'E wished 'im such happy returns.

But Albert kept kicking and fighting,
'Til Wallace arose feeling bad,
And felt it were time that 'e started
To stage a come-back for the lad.

So with 'is 'ead down in a corner,
On 'is front paws 'e started to walk,
And 'e coughed and 'e sneezed and 'e gargled,
'Til Albert shot out like a cork.

Old Wallace felt better directly,
And 'is figure once more became lean,
But the only difference with Albert
Was 'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean.

Meanwhile Mister and Missus Ramsbottom
'Ad gone 'ome to tea feeling blue;
Ma says, "I feel down in the mouth like".
Pa says, "Aye! I bet Albert does too."

Said Ma, "It just goes for to show you
That the future is never revealed,
If I thought we was going to lose 'im
I'd have not 'ad 'is boots soled and 'eeled."

"Let's look on the bright side," said Father,
"What can't be 'elped must be endured,
Every cloud 'as a silvery lining,
And we did 'ave young Albert insured."

A knock at the door came that moment,
As Father these kind words did speak,
'Twas the man from t'Prudential,
'E'd called for their 'tuppence per person per week'.

When Father saw who 'ad been knocking,
'E laughed and 'e kept laughing so,
That the young man said, "What's there to laugh at ?"
Pa said, "You'll laugh an' all when you know."

"Excuse 'im for laughing," said Mother,
"But really things 'appen so strange,
Our Albert's been 'ate' by a Lion,
You've got to pay us for a change."

Said the young 'feller' from the Prudential,
"Now, come come, let's understand this,
You don't mean to say that you've lost 'im ?"
Ma says, "Oh no! we know where 'e is."

When the young man 'ad 'eard all the details,
A bag from 'is pocket he drew,
And 'e paid them with int'rest and bonus,
The sum of nine pounds four and two.

Pa 'ad scarce got 'is 'ands on the money,
When a face at the window they see,
And Mother says, "Eeh! look, it's Albert."
And Father says, "Aye, it would be."

Young Albert came in all excited,
And started 'is story to give,
And Pa said, "I'll never trust Lions
Again, not as long as I live."

The young 'feller' from the Prudential
To pick up the money began,
And Father says, "Eeh! just a moment,
Don't be in a hurry young man."

Then giving young Albert a shilling,
He said, "Pop off, back to the Zoo.
'Ere's yer stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
Go and see what the Tigers can do!"

Now - something interesting! Look at the line . . . . . . . . . . . "Every cloud 'as a silvery lining"

That line inspired my main blog title, Clouds and Silvery Linings

I will post another Albert and the Lion story tomorrow - and I am pleased to say I have discovered two very recent ones, the last one is dated 2005. I shall post these as well.

There is a considerable present day following of these monologues I am pleased to say ~ Eddie

Albert Ramsbottom's Recumbent Posture

Enough of Sam Small for a while and over to little Albert Ramsbottom, who today is unwell and has been advised to embark on a recumbent posture! Trouble is no-one seems to know what a recumbent posture is!! . . . . and mother hates Latin. I am please to say I have found a utube of Stanley Holloway reciting this monologue which I think is one of his greatest.

THE RECUMBENT POSTURE
by Marriott Edgar (1939)

The day after Christmas, young Albert
Were what's called confined to 'is bed,
With a tight kind of pain in 'is 'stommick'
And a light feeling up in 'is 'ead.

His parents was all of a fluster
When they saw little lad was so sick;
They said, "Put out your tongue" - When they'd seen it,
They said, "Put it back again - quick !"

His Ma made a basin of gruel,
But that were a move for the worse;
Though the little lad tried 'ard to eat it,
At finish 'e did the reverse.

The pain showed no signs of abating,
So at last they got Doctor to call;
'E said it were in 'is 'ab-domain'
and not in 'is 'stommick' at all.

'E sent up a bottle of 'physick',
Wi' instructions on t'label to say,
'To be took in a recumbent posture,
One teaspoonful three times a day'.

As Ma stood there reading the label,
Pa started to fidget about;
'E said, "Get a teaspoon and dose 'im
Before 'e gets better without."

“I can manage the teaspoon", says Mother,
A look of distress on 'er face;
"It's this 'ere 'recumbulent' posture -
I haven't got one in the place."

Said Pa, "What about Missus Luckton ?
Next door 'ere - you'd better ask 'er;
A woman who's buried three 'usbands
Is sure to 'ave one of them there."

So they went round and asked Missus Luckton;
"Aye, I know what you mean," she replied,
"I 'ad got one on order for 'Orace,
But poor dear got impatient and died."

She said, "You'd best try the Co-op Shop,
They'll 'ave one in stock, I dare say;
'Fact I think I saw one in the 'winder'
Last time I were passing that way."

So round they went to the Co-op Shop,
And at the counter for household supplies;
Pa asked for a recumbent posture,
And the Shopman said, "Yes sir - what size ?"

Said Ma, "It's for our little Albert,
I don't know what size 'e would use;
I know 'e takes thirteens in collars,
And sixes, four fittings in shoes."

"If it's little lad's size that you're wanting,"
Said the Shopman, "I'm sorry to say
That we nobbut had one in the building,
And that one was sold yesterday."

'E sent them along to a Tin-Smith,
Who said, "Aye, I know what you've in mind;
If you'll draw me a plan I could make one."
But Pa 'ad left his pencil behind.

They searched every place in the district;
They walked for two hours by the clock,
But though most places reckoned to keep 'em,
They'd none of them got one in stock.

The last place they tried was a Chemist's,
Chap looked at 'em both with a frown,
And explained that a Recumbent Posture
Were Latin, and meant 'lying down'.

"lt means 'lying down' - put in Latin,"
Said Father, "That's just what I 'thowt.'
Then 'e picked up a side-glance from Mother
And pretended 'e 'adn't said nowt.

"They're not dosing my lad with Latin."
Said Mother, her face looking grim;
"Just plain Castor Oil's all 'e's getting,
And I'm leaving the posture to him."



The wording is slightly different in places

SAM'S STURGEON
by Ashley Sterne (1935)
(reputed to be an anagram of Ernest Halsey)

Sam Small were fishing in canal
'Twixt Manchester and Sale;
He hadn't had a bite all day
And 'nowt' to sup but ale.

Then all at once his fishing line
Went rushing out like mad;
"By gum," cried Sam, "I've got a bite,"
And so by gum he 'ad.

He tugged and tugged and better tugged,
His line it rose and sank;
Then fish gave one last dying gasp,
And flopped stone dead on t'bank.

Just then a policeman bustled up
On feet both large and flat.
'E looked at Sam, 'e looked at fish
And said, "Eee, who done that ?"

"It's just a sort of fish," said Sam,
"I'm taking home to tea."
"Tha's not," said policeman, "that, tha's not,
It don't belong to thee.

"It's what they call a Sturgeon, Sam,
That fish belongs to King,
So take it up to Palace, lad,
As fast as anything."

Sam stooped and picked the Sturgeon up,
Well knowing who was boss;
Then ran to station where he bought
Two tickets for King's Cross.

When Samuel reached London Town
The crowd all raised a cheering cry;
The traffic parted left and right
To let that Sturgeon by.

The Palace Sentry, haughty like
Said, "What might be your wish ?"
But when he saw what Sam had brought
He cried, "Pass, Royal fish."

Sam knocked at door and servant girl
Said, "Step inside the hall,
The King and Queen is out," says she
"But not to thee, Sam Small."

And so with Sturgeon in his arms
Sam tramped up corridor,
He trailed along some passages
And knocked at parlour door.

"Come in," says King, so Sam
Went in with Royal fish and all.
"Why dash me buttons," cries the King,
"If it isn't old Sam Small."

"That's me," said Sam, "and 'ere's a fish
Our policeman said were thine;
A Sturgeon caught in Ship Canal
With rod and hook and line."

"Well, well," said King, "come sit thee down,
Tha' must be fair done up.
We just were going to have us teas,
Tha'll stay and have a sup ?"

"Thanks, King," said Sam, and takes a seat
With fish upon his knee.
"Nay, put that thing on t'sofa, Sam,"
Says King, "and have thy tea."

"Now what about this fish ?" asks Sam.
But King he whispers low,
"I'm going to tell thee something, Sam,
But don't let policeman know.

"I hate to show ingratitude
And please don't think me mean,
But I never did like Sturgeon, Sam,
Nor, come to that, does Queen.

"To eat the stuff we hate so much
Well, Sam, we find it hard;
So we hand 'em to the Chamberlain
Who stacks them in back yard.

"Just thee look out that window, Sam,
And see where t'Sturgeons go."
Sam looked in t'yard and saw 'em all
In thousands in a row.

"It's champion seeing thee again,
But Sam, twixt me and thee
I cannot stand Sturgeons
But I love a kipper to me tea."

"Now fancy that," says Sam, "by gum,
Why them's my favourite fish."
And then the Queen came smiling in,
With kippers on the dish.

"Do you know Sam Small, my dear ?" says King.
Queen says, "Why yes, yes, yes,
Just touch the Bell and tell our James
To bring more watercress."

"Think on," says King when tea were done
And Sam got up to go,
"Kippers is what I like for tea
But don't let policeman know."

So Sam went home to Lancashire
And said a silent prayer,
With blessings on the kippered fish
"Long live the Royal Pair."

'Alt! Who Goes There?

ALT! WHO GOES THERE ?
by Stanley Holloway (1930)







Old Sam first came to London
When George the Fourth were King,
He'd been in th'Army, man and boy
For twenty years come Spring. .

The troops were lined up on Parade
And Sergeant said, "Eh, Sam,
T'neet tha' goes on sentry-go
At t'Palace, Buckingham."

So off goes Sam to Palace gates
His chest puffed out with pride;
His musket on his shoulder,
He walks up and down, outside.

A crowd soon thronged around him
And caused a fearful jam -
Some come to look at King and Queen,
Some come to look at Sam.

Sam stood there cold and haughty-like
With dignity sublime.
Some asks, "Were you at Waterloo ?"
And some asks, "What's the time ?"

When suddenly from out of crowd
A chap walked bold and straight,
He crosses right in front of Sam
And tries to open gate.

Old Sam says, " 'Alt! And who goes there ?
Who's thee does tha' suppose ?"
The stranger answers, "George the Fourth.
I live in 'ere tha' knows."

Old Sam says, "Does tha' think I'm daft ?
Don't try to tell me that.
If thou art King - then where's thee Crown ?
Tha'rt wearing bowler 'at."

"That's right," says King, "that's right enough,
It's strange to thee, no doubt,
But I put on bowler hat
‘Cos it were raining when I comes out."

"Oh well," said Sam, "I suppose you're right,
I didn't know 'twere thee."
The King says, "No offence, me lad,
Come in for a cup o' tea."

"I'd like a cup of tea," said Sam,
"I don't mind if I do."
The Queen pours cup of tea and says,
"How many lumps, Sam ?" - "Two"

They chatted there for 'alf an hour
When knock come at the door,
The King he goes and finds
The Duke of Wellington there, for sure.

"Good afternoon," says Duke of Wellington,
"Is Sam with thee ?"
"Aye, he is an' all," says King,
"He's having a cup o'tea."

"Well that's a pretty thing," says Duke,
"That's pretty, I declare."
He catches sight of Sam and says,
"Sam, what's tha' doing in there ?"

Sam comes to door all jumpy like
And red as anything.
"Ah'm doing nothing, Duke", he cries,
"But having tea with King."

"I thought that there was sommut up,"
The Duke coldy replied,
"Because I see thee musket
Leaning against rails outside.

"Some clumsy chap had knocked it down,
It gave me quite a scare,
So I stooped down and picked it up -
Seeing as thee weren't there."

"You stooped and picked me musket up ?"
Said Sam, "Well I declare,
And thee with thy lumbago too,
I bet it made thee swear."

"I'll not wait for second cup," said Sam,
"Ah'll come with thee.
So goodnight both your Majesties, and long
live both your Majesties,
And when tha's next in Lancashire, tha's
tea's with me."

Sam, Pick Oop Tha' Musket

SAM, PICK OOP THA’ MUSKET
by Stanley Holloway (1929)

It occurred on the evening before Waterloo
And troops were lined up on t'Parade,
And Sergeant inspecting 'em, he was a terror
Of whom every man was afraid -

All excepting one man, who was in the front rank,
A man by the name of Sam Small,
And 'im and the Sergeant were both 'daggers drawn';
They thought 'nowt' of each other at all.

As Sergeant walked past he was swinging ‘is arm,
And he happened to brush against Sam,
And knocking his musket clean out of his hand
It fell to the ground with a slam.

"Pick it oop," said Sergeant, abrupt like but cool,
But Sam with the shake of his head
Said, "Seeing as tha' knocked it out of me 'and,
P'raps tha'll pick the thing oop instead."

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
The Sergeant exclaimed with a roar.
Sam said, "Tha' knocked it down, Reet! then tha'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is, on't floor."

The sound of high words
Very soon reached the ears of an Officer, Lieutenant Bird,
Who says to the Sergeant, "Now what's all this 'ere ?"
And the Sergeant told what had occurred.

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
Lieutenant exclaimed with some heat.
Sam said, "He knocked it down, Reet! then he'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is, at me feet."

It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived
To find out the cause of the trouble;
And every man there, all excepting Old Sam,
Was full of excitement and bubble.

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
Said Captain, for strictness renowned.
Sam said, "He knocked it down, Reet! then he'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is on t'ground."

The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel
Both tried to get Sam to see sense,
But when Old Duke o' Wellington came into view
Well, then the excitement was tense.

Up rode the Duke on a lovely white 'orse,
To find out the cause of the bother;
He looks at the musket and then at Old Sam
And he spoke to Old Sam like a brother,

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
The Duke said, as quiet as could be,
"Sam, Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,
Coom on lad - just to please me."

"Alright, Duke," said Old Sam, "just for thee I'll oblige,
And to show thee I meant no offence."
So Sam picked it up. "Gradely, lad," said the Duke,
"Right-o boys, let battle commence."