Albert Ramsbottom's Recumbent Posture

Enough of Sam Small for a while and over to little Albert Ramsbottom, who today is unwell and has been advised to embark on a recumbent posture! Trouble is no-one seems to know what a recumbent posture is!! . . . . and mother hates Latin. I am please to say I have found a utube of Stanley Holloway reciting this monologue which I think is one of his greatest.

THE RECUMBENT POSTURE
by Marriott Edgar (1939)

The day after Christmas, young Albert
Were what's called confined to 'is bed,
With a tight kind of pain in 'is 'stommick'
And a light feeling up in 'is 'ead.

His parents was all of a fluster
When they saw little lad was so sick;
They said, "Put out your tongue" - When they'd seen it,
They said, "Put it back again - quick !"

His Ma made a basin of gruel,
But that were a move for the worse;
Though the little lad tried 'ard to eat it,
At finish 'e did the reverse.

The pain showed no signs of abating,
So at last they got Doctor to call;
'E said it were in 'is 'ab-domain'
and not in 'is 'stommick' at all.

'E sent up a bottle of 'physick',
Wi' instructions on t'label to say,
'To be took in a recumbent posture,
One teaspoonful three times a day'.

As Ma stood there reading the label,
Pa started to fidget about;
'E said, "Get a teaspoon and dose 'im
Before 'e gets better without."

“I can manage the teaspoon", says Mother,
A look of distress on 'er face;
"It's this 'ere 'recumbulent' posture -
I haven't got one in the place."

Said Pa, "What about Missus Luckton ?
Next door 'ere - you'd better ask 'er;
A woman who's buried three 'usbands
Is sure to 'ave one of them there."

So they went round and asked Missus Luckton;
"Aye, I know what you mean," she replied,
"I 'ad got one on order for 'Orace,
But poor dear got impatient and died."

She said, "You'd best try the Co-op Shop,
They'll 'ave one in stock, I dare say;
'Fact I think I saw one in the 'winder'
Last time I were passing that way."

So round they went to the Co-op Shop,
And at the counter for household supplies;
Pa asked for a recumbent posture,
And the Shopman said, "Yes sir - what size ?"

Said Ma, "It's for our little Albert,
I don't know what size 'e would use;
I know 'e takes thirteens in collars,
And sixes, four fittings in shoes."

"If it's little lad's size that you're wanting,"
Said the Shopman, "I'm sorry to say
That we nobbut had one in the building,
And that one was sold yesterday."

'E sent them along to a Tin-Smith,
Who said, "Aye, I know what you've in mind;
If you'll draw me a plan I could make one."
But Pa 'ad left his pencil behind.

They searched every place in the district;
They walked for two hours by the clock,
But though most places reckoned to keep 'em,
They'd none of them got one in stock.

The last place they tried was a Chemist's,
Chap looked at 'em both with a frown,
And explained that a Recumbent Posture
Were Latin, and meant 'lying down'.

"lt means 'lying down' - put in Latin,"
Said Father, "That's just what I 'thowt.'
Then 'e picked up a side-glance from Mother
And pretended 'e 'adn't said nowt.

"They're not dosing my lad with Latin."
Said Mother, her face looking grim;
"Just plain Castor Oil's all 'e's getting,
And I'm leaving the posture to him."



The wording is slightly different in places

SAM'S STURGEON
by Ashley Sterne (1935)
(reputed to be an anagram of Ernest Halsey)

Sam Small were fishing in canal
'Twixt Manchester and Sale;
He hadn't had a bite all day
And 'nowt' to sup but ale.

Then all at once his fishing line
Went rushing out like mad;
"By gum," cried Sam, "I've got a bite,"
And so by gum he 'ad.

He tugged and tugged and better tugged,
His line it rose and sank;
Then fish gave one last dying gasp,
And flopped stone dead on t'bank.

Just then a policeman bustled up
On feet both large and flat.
'E looked at Sam, 'e looked at fish
And said, "Eee, who done that ?"

"It's just a sort of fish," said Sam,
"I'm taking home to tea."
"Tha's not," said policeman, "that, tha's not,
It don't belong to thee.

"It's what they call a Sturgeon, Sam,
That fish belongs to King,
So take it up to Palace, lad,
As fast as anything."

Sam stooped and picked the Sturgeon up,
Well knowing who was boss;
Then ran to station where he bought
Two tickets for King's Cross.

When Samuel reached London Town
The crowd all raised a cheering cry;
The traffic parted left and right
To let that Sturgeon by.

The Palace Sentry, haughty like
Said, "What might be your wish ?"
But when he saw what Sam had brought
He cried, "Pass, Royal fish."

Sam knocked at door and servant girl
Said, "Step inside the hall,
The King and Queen is out," says she
"But not to thee, Sam Small."

And so with Sturgeon in his arms
Sam tramped up corridor,
He trailed along some passages
And knocked at parlour door.

"Come in," says King, so Sam
Went in with Royal fish and all.
"Why dash me buttons," cries the King,
"If it isn't old Sam Small."

"That's me," said Sam, "and 'ere's a fish
Our policeman said were thine;
A Sturgeon caught in Ship Canal
With rod and hook and line."

"Well, well," said King, "come sit thee down,
Tha' must be fair done up.
We just were going to have us teas,
Tha'll stay and have a sup ?"

"Thanks, King," said Sam, and takes a seat
With fish upon his knee.
"Nay, put that thing on t'sofa, Sam,"
Says King, "and have thy tea."

"Now what about this fish ?" asks Sam.
But King he whispers low,
"I'm going to tell thee something, Sam,
But don't let policeman know.

"I hate to show ingratitude
And please don't think me mean,
But I never did like Sturgeon, Sam,
Nor, come to that, does Queen.

"To eat the stuff we hate so much
Well, Sam, we find it hard;
So we hand 'em to the Chamberlain
Who stacks them in back yard.

"Just thee look out that window, Sam,
And see where t'Sturgeons go."
Sam looked in t'yard and saw 'em all
In thousands in a row.

"It's champion seeing thee again,
But Sam, twixt me and thee
I cannot stand Sturgeons
But I love a kipper to me tea."

"Now fancy that," says Sam, "by gum,
Why them's my favourite fish."
And then the Queen came smiling in,
With kippers on the dish.

"Do you know Sam Small, my dear ?" says King.
Queen says, "Why yes, yes, yes,
Just touch the Bell and tell our James
To bring more watercress."

"Think on," says King when tea were done
And Sam got up to go,
"Kippers is what I like for tea
But don't let policeman know."

So Sam went home to Lancashire
And said a silent prayer,
With blessings on the kippered fish
"Long live the Royal Pair."

'Alt! Who Goes There?

ALT! WHO GOES THERE ?
by Stanley Holloway (1930)







Old Sam first came to London
When George the Fourth were King,
He'd been in th'Army, man and boy
For twenty years come Spring. .

The troops were lined up on Parade
And Sergeant said, "Eh, Sam,
T'neet tha' goes on sentry-go
At t'Palace, Buckingham."

So off goes Sam to Palace gates
His chest puffed out with pride;
His musket on his shoulder,
He walks up and down, outside.

A crowd soon thronged around him
And caused a fearful jam -
Some come to look at King and Queen,
Some come to look at Sam.

Sam stood there cold and haughty-like
With dignity sublime.
Some asks, "Were you at Waterloo ?"
And some asks, "What's the time ?"

When suddenly from out of crowd
A chap walked bold and straight,
He crosses right in front of Sam
And tries to open gate.

Old Sam says, " 'Alt! And who goes there ?
Who's thee does tha' suppose ?"
The stranger answers, "George the Fourth.
I live in 'ere tha' knows."

Old Sam says, "Does tha' think I'm daft ?
Don't try to tell me that.
If thou art King - then where's thee Crown ?
Tha'rt wearing bowler 'at."

"That's right," says King, "that's right enough,
It's strange to thee, no doubt,
But I put on bowler hat
‘Cos it were raining when I comes out."

"Oh well," said Sam, "I suppose you're right,
I didn't know 'twere thee."
The King says, "No offence, me lad,
Come in for a cup o' tea."

"I'd like a cup of tea," said Sam,
"I don't mind if I do."
The Queen pours cup of tea and says,
"How many lumps, Sam ?" - "Two"

They chatted there for 'alf an hour
When knock come at the door,
The King he goes and finds
The Duke of Wellington there, for sure.

"Good afternoon," says Duke of Wellington,
"Is Sam with thee ?"
"Aye, he is an' all," says King,
"He's having a cup o'tea."

"Well that's a pretty thing," says Duke,
"That's pretty, I declare."
He catches sight of Sam and says,
"Sam, what's tha' doing in there ?"

Sam comes to door all jumpy like
And red as anything.
"Ah'm doing nothing, Duke", he cries,
"But having tea with King."

"I thought that there was sommut up,"
The Duke coldy replied,
"Because I see thee musket
Leaning against rails outside.

"Some clumsy chap had knocked it down,
It gave me quite a scare,
So I stooped down and picked it up -
Seeing as thee weren't there."

"You stooped and picked me musket up ?"
Said Sam, "Well I declare,
And thee with thy lumbago too,
I bet it made thee swear."

"I'll not wait for second cup," said Sam,
"Ah'll come with thee.
So goodnight both your Majesties, and long
live both your Majesties,
And when tha's next in Lancashire, tha's
tea's with me."

Sam, Pick Oop Tha' Musket

SAM, PICK OOP THA’ MUSKET
by Stanley Holloway (1929)

It occurred on the evening before Waterloo
And troops were lined up on t'Parade,
And Sergeant inspecting 'em, he was a terror
Of whom every man was afraid -

All excepting one man, who was in the front rank,
A man by the name of Sam Small,
And 'im and the Sergeant were both 'daggers drawn';
They thought 'nowt' of each other at all.

As Sergeant walked past he was swinging ‘is arm,
And he happened to brush against Sam,
And knocking his musket clean out of his hand
It fell to the ground with a slam.

"Pick it oop," said Sergeant, abrupt like but cool,
But Sam with the shake of his head
Said, "Seeing as tha' knocked it out of me 'and,
P'raps tha'll pick the thing oop instead."

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
The Sergeant exclaimed with a roar.
Sam said, "Tha' knocked it down, Reet! then tha'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is, on't floor."

The sound of high words
Very soon reached the ears of an Officer, Lieutenant Bird,
Who says to the Sergeant, "Now what's all this 'ere ?"
And the Sergeant told what had occurred.

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
Lieutenant exclaimed with some heat.
Sam said, "He knocked it down, Reet! then he'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is, at me feet."

It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived
To find out the cause of the trouble;
And every man there, all excepting Old Sam,
Was full of excitement and bubble.

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
Said Captain, for strictness renowned.
Sam said, "He knocked it down, Reet! then he'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is on t'ground."

The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel
Both tried to get Sam to see sense,
But when Old Duke o' Wellington came into view
Well, then the excitement was tense.

Up rode the Duke on a lovely white 'orse,
To find out the cause of the bother;
He looks at the musket and then at Old Sam
And he spoke to Old Sam like a brother,

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
The Duke said, as quiet as could be,
"Sam, Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,
Coom on lad - just to please me."

"Alright, Duke," said Old Sam, "just for thee I'll oblige,
And to show thee I meant no offence."
So Sam picked it up. "Gradely, lad," said the Duke,
"Right-o boys, let battle commence."

The Hole in the Ark

Stanley Holloway Monologue

THE 'OLE IN THE ARK
by Marriott Edgar (1937)

with additional verses by Eddie Bluelights (2009)
One evening at dusk as Noah stood on 'is Ark,
Putting green oil in starboard side lamp,
His wife came along and said, "Noah, summat's wrong:
Our cabin is getting quite damp."

Said Noah, "Is that so ?" Then he went down below
And he found it were right what she'd said;
For there on the floor quite a puddle he saw
It were slopping around under the bed.

Said he, "There's an hole in the bottom somewhere,
We must find it before we retire."
Then he talked for a bit, and said, "Aye, that's it,
A blood hound is what we require."

So he went and fetched bloodhound from place where it lay -
'Tween the skunk and the polecat it were -
And as things down below were a trifle so-so,
It were glad of a breath of fresh air.

They followed the hound as it went sniffing round,
Until at last they located the leak;
'Twas a round 'ole in the side, about two inches wide,
Where a sword-fish had poked in its beak.

Ba gum! how the wet squirted in through that hole;
Well young Shem, who at sums was expert,
Worked it out on his slate that it came in at the rate
Of per gallon, per second, per squirt.
----------------------------------------------------
(addition by Eddie Bluelights)

This equation caused Noah consternation
'Cause 'e wondered how long they could float.
So he summoned the others, who included Shem's brothers,
Ham and Japheth, from deep within boat.

"Is Shem right with this 'ere calculation ?"
Asked their father, beginning to worry.
"We're not very good when it comes to our tables!
Let alone advanced maths, we are sorry!"

Piped in Shem, "There's good reason you thicko's can't do it,
'Cause at school you've been wasting your years,
You're no good at Maths, Science or Hebrew;
‘Cause you've not much between those four ears."

"Your descendants may shine on occasions,
And conquer a nation or two
And think of the odd useful invention
But nothing that my lot will do!"

Said Noah, "Let's not talk of these 'ere equations,
We've got to make t'Ark safe and sound;
So boys go and play, and from me stay away,
And Missus please get me blood-hound."
---------------------------------------------------

The blood hound tried hard to keep water in check
By lapping it up with his tongue.
But as that were no go he went up to the hole
And shoved in his nose for a bung.

But the poor faithful hound, 'e were very near drowned,
And they dragged him away none too soon.
For the fountain as rose worked his way up his nose
And blew him out like a balloon.

And then Missus Noah shoved her elbow in t'hole,
And said, "Ee it's stopped, I believe."
But they found very soon as she altered her tune,
'Cause the water had gone up her sleeve.

Then finding her elbow wasn't doing much good,
She said to Noah, "I've an idea.
You sit on the leak and by t'end of the week
There's no knowing weather may clear.

Noah didn't think much to this idea at all,
But reckoned 'e'd give it a try.
On the 'ole down 'e plopped and the leaking all stopped,
And all except 'im were quite dry.

They took him his breakfast and dinner and tea
As day after day there 'e sat,
'Til the storm had all passed and they landed at last
On the top side of Mount Ararat.

That's how old Noah got them all safe ashore.
But ever since then strange to tell.
Them that helped save the Ark all carried a mark
Aye and all their descendants as well.

That's why a dog 'as a cold nose, and a lady cold elbows
You'll also find if you enquire,
That that's why a man takes his coat-tails in hand,
And stands with his back to the fire.

Three Half' Pence a Foot

Stanley Holloway Monologues

THREE HA'PENCE A FOOT

.

by Marriott Edgar (1932)
.
..

.

I'll tell you an old-fashioned story
That grandfather used to relate,
Of a joiner and building contractor;
'Is name, it were Sam Ogglethwaite.

In a shop on the banks of the Irwell,
Old Sam used to follow 'is trade,
In a place you'll 'ave 'eard of, called Bury;
You know, where black puddings is made.

One day, Sam were filling a knot 'ole
Wi' putty, when in thro' the door
Came an old 'feller', fair wreathed i'whiskers;
T'old chap said, "Good morning, I'm Noah."

Sam asked Noah what was 'is business,
And t'old chap went on to remark,
That not liking the look of the weather,
'E were thinking of building an Ark.

'E'd gotten the wood for the bulwarks,
And all t'other ship building junk,
And wanted some nice Bird's Eye Maple
To panel the sides of 'is bunk.

Now Maple was Sam's 'Mon-o-poly';
That means it were all 'is to cut,
And nobody else 'adn't got none;
So 'e asked Noah three ha'pence a foot.

"A ha'penny too much," replied Noah,
"A penny a foot's more the mark;
A penny a foot, and when rain comes,
I'll give you a ride in me Ark."

But neither would budge in the bargain;
The whole daft thing were kind of a jam,
So Sam put 'is tongue out at Noah,
And Noah made 'Long Bacon' at Sam.

In wrath and ill-feeling they parted,
Not knowing when they'd meet again,
And Sam had forgot all about it,
'Til one day it started to rain.

It rained and it rained for a fortnight,
And flooded the 'ole countryside.
It rained and it still kept on raining,
‘Til t'Irwell were fifty miles wide.

The 'ouses were soon under water,
As the folks to the roof 'ad to climb.
They said, " 'Twas the rottenest summer
That Bury 'ad 'ad for some time."

The rain showed no sign of abating,
And water rose hour by hour,
‘Til the only dry land were at Blackpool,
And that were on top of the tower.

So Sam stared swimming to Blackpool;
It took 'im best part of a week.
'Is clothes was wet through when 'e got there,
And 'is boots were beginning to leak.

'E stood to 'is watch-chain in t'water,
On Tower top, just before dark,
When who should come sailing towards 'im
But old Noah, steering 'is Ark.

They stared at each other in silence,
'Til Ark were alongside, all but,
Then Noah said, "What price 'yer' Maple ?"
Sam answered, "Three ha'pence a foot."

Noah said, "Nay, I'll make thee an offer,
Same as I did t'other day.
A Penny a foot and a free ride.
Now come on lad, what does tha' say ?"

"Three ha'pence a foot", came the answer.
So Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist,
And sailed off again in a dudgeon,
While Sam stood determined, but moist.

Noah cruised around, flying 'is pigeons,
‘Til fortieth day of the wet,
And on 'is way back, passing Blackpool,
'E saw old Sam standing there yet.

'Is chin just stood out of the water;
A comical figure 'e cut.
Noah said, "Now what's the price of yer Maple ?"
Sam answered, "Three ha'pence a foot."

Said Noah, "You'd best take me offer;
It's last time I'll be here about.
And if water comes half an inch higher,
I'll happen get Maple for nowt."

"Three ha'pence a foot it'll cost yer.
And as for me," Sam said, "don't fret:
The sky's took a turn since this morning.
I think it'll brighten up yet."

Gunner Joe

Stanley Holloway Monologues

Gunner Joe

by Marriott Edgar (1933)

I'll tell you a seafaring story,

Of a lad who won honour and fame

With Nelson at Battle, ' Trafalgar -

Joe Moggeridge, that were his name

He were one of the crew of the Victory,

His job when a battle begun

Was to take cannon balls out of basket

And shove 'em down front end of gun.

One day him and Nelson were boxing -

The compass, like sailor lads do,

When Hardy comes up with a spyglass

And pointing, says "'Ere, take a screw!"

They looked to where Hardy were pointing

And saw lots of ships in a row.

Joe says abrupt-like but respectful,

"Horatio lad, yon's the foe."

"What say we attack 'em? says Nelson

Says Joe "Nay lad not, today."

And Hardy says, "Aye! well let's toss up."

Horatio answers, "Okay."

They tossed - it were heads for attacking

And tails for t'other way 'bout.

Joe lent them his two-headed penny,

So the answer was never in doubt.

When penny came down 'eadside uppards,

They were in for a do it were plain,

And Joe murmured, "Shiver my timbers,"

And Nelson kissed Hardy again.

And then, taking flags out of locker,

He strung out a message on high;

'T were all about England and duty -

Crew thought they was 'ung out to dry.

They got the guns ready for action,

And that gave 'em trouble enough,

They hadn't been fired all the Summer

And touch holes were bunged up with fluff.

Joe's cannon weren't half a corker,

The canon balls went three foot round,

They weren't no toy balloons neither,

They weighed close on sixty five pound.

Joe, selecting two of the largest,

Was going to load double for luck -

When a hot shot came through the porthole

And a gunpowder barrell got struck.

By gum! there weren't half an explosion,

The gun crew was filled with alarm

As out of the porthole went Joseph

With a canon ball under each arm.

At that moment up came the 'Boat-swine',

He looked round and asked crew, "Where's Joe?"

Gunner relied, " He's taken two canon balls with him

And gone for a breather outside."

"Do you think he'll be long?, said the 'Boat-swine'.

The gunner replied "If as how

'E comes back as quick as 'e left us,

'E should be here anytime now."

And all this time Joe, treading water,

Was trying his hardest to float,

'E shouted through turmoil of battle -

"Tell someone to lowere a boat."

'E'd come to the top for assistance,

Then down to the bottom 'ed go;

This up and down kind of existence

Made everyone laugh, except Joe.

At last he could stand it no longer,

And next time he came to the top

'E said, "If you don't come and save me

I'll let these here canon balls drop."

It were Nelson at finish who saved him

And he said Joe deserved a V.C.

But seeing he hadn't one handy

'E gave Joe an egg for his tea.

And after the battle was over,

And vessel was safely in dock,

The sailors all saved up their coupons

And bought Joe a nice marble clock.