Three Half' Pence a Foot

Stanley Holloway Monologues

THREE HA'PENCE A FOOT

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by Marriott Edgar (1932)
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I'll tell you an old-fashioned story
That grandfather used to relate,
Of a joiner and building contractor;
'Is name, it were Sam Ogglethwaite.

In a shop on the banks of the Irwell,
Old Sam used to follow 'is trade,
In a place you'll 'ave 'eard of, called Bury;
You know, where black puddings is made.

One day, Sam were filling a knot 'ole
Wi' putty, when in thro' the door
Came an old 'feller', fair wreathed i'whiskers;
T'old chap said, "Good morning, I'm Noah."

Sam asked Noah what was 'is business,
And t'old chap went on to remark,
That not liking the look of the weather,
'E were thinking of building an Ark.

'E'd gotten the wood for the bulwarks,
And all t'other ship building junk,
And wanted some nice Bird's Eye Maple
To panel the sides of 'is bunk.

Now Maple was Sam's 'Mon-o-poly';
That means it were all 'is to cut,
And nobody else 'adn't got none;
So 'e asked Noah three ha'pence a foot.

"A ha'penny too much," replied Noah,
"A penny a foot's more the mark;
A penny a foot, and when rain comes,
I'll give you a ride in me Ark."

But neither would budge in the bargain;
The whole daft thing were kind of a jam,
So Sam put 'is tongue out at Noah,
And Noah made 'Long Bacon' at Sam.

In wrath and ill-feeling they parted,
Not knowing when they'd meet again,
And Sam had forgot all about it,
'Til one day it started to rain.

It rained and it rained for a fortnight,
And flooded the 'ole countryside.
It rained and it still kept on raining,
‘Til t'Irwell were fifty miles wide.

The 'ouses were soon under water,
As the folks to the roof 'ad to climb.
They said, " 'Twas the rottenest summer
That Bury 'ad 'ad for some time."

The rain showed no sign of abating,
And water rose hour by hour,
‘Til the only dry land were at Blackpool,
And that were on top of the tower.

So Sam stared swimming to Blackpool;
It took 'im best part of a week.
'Is clothes was wet through when 'e got there,
And 'is boots were beginning to leak.

'E stood to 'is watch-chain in t'water,
On Tower top, just before dark,
When who should come sailing towards 'im
But old Noah, steering 'is Ark.

They stared at each other in silence,
'Til Ark were alongside, all but,
Then Noah said, "What price 'yer' Maple ?"
Sam answered, "Three ha'pence a foot."

Noah said, "Nay, I'll make thee an offer,
Same as I did t'other day.
A Penny a foot and a free ride.
Now come on lad, what does tha' say ?"

"Three ha'pence a foot", came the answer.
So Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist,
And sailed off again in a dudgeon,
While Sam stood determined, but moist.

Noah cruised around, flying 'is pigeons,
‘Til fortieth day of the wet,
And on 'is way back, passing Blackpool,
'E saw old Sam standing there yet.

'Is chin just stood out of the water;
A comical figure 'e cut.
Noah said, "Now what's the price of yer Maple ?"
Sam answered, "Three ha'pence a foot."

Said Noah, "You'd best take me offer;
It's last time I'll be here about.
And if water comes half an inch higher,
I'll happen get Maple for nowt."

"Three ha'pence a foot it'll cost yer.
And as for me," Sam said, "don't fret:
The sky's took a turn since this morning.
I think it'll brighten up yet."