MAGNA CARTA

I have found a number of additional monologues which Stanley Holloway did not record, and I have not yet posted. The first one is Magna Carta, which if my memory of English history serves me correctly took place in 1215 and was signed reluctantly by King John, while his brother, Richard was away fighting the crusades. I am preparing a full list of all the monologues with links which I will post soon. I know several of you liked these so I am delighted to post some more. For those not knowing the majority of these monologues are spoken with a North England accent.

THE MAGNA CARTA
by Marriott Edgar (1937)

I'll tell of the Magna Carta
As were signed at the Baron's command
On 'Runnymead' Island in t'middle of t'Thames
By King John, as were known as 'Lack Land'.

Some say it were wrong of the Barons,
Their will on the King so to thrust,
But you'll see if you look at both sides of the case
That they had to something, or bust.

For John, from the moment they crowned him,
Started acting so cunning and sly,
Being King, of course, he couldn't do any wrong,
But, by gum, he'd a proper good try.

He squandered the ratepayer's money;
All their cattle and corn did he take,
'Til there wasn't a morsel of bread in the land,
And folk had to manage on cake.

The way he behaved to young Arthur
Went to show as his feelings was bad;
He tried to get Hubert to poke out his eyes,
Which is no way to treat a young lad.

It were alright him being a tyrant
To vassals and folks of that class,
But he tried on his tricks with the Barons an' all,
And that's where he made a faux pass.

He started bombarding their castles,
And burning them over their head,
'Til there wasn't enough castles left to go round,
And they had to sleep six in a bed.

So they went to the King in a body,
And their spokesman, Fitzwalter by name,
He opened the 'ole in his 'elmet and said,
'Concil-latory' like, "What's the game ?"

The King starts to shilly and shally,
He sits and he haws and he hums,
'Til the Barons in rage started knashing their teeth,
And them with no teeth gnashed on t'gums.

Said Fitz', through the 'ole in his 'elmet,
"It was you as put us in this plight,"
And the King having nothing to say to this 'ere
Murmurred, "Leave your address and I'll write."

This angered the gallant Fitzwalter;
He stamped on the floor with his foot,
And were starting to give John a rare ticking off,
When the 'ole in his 'elmet fell shut.

"We'll get him to sign Magna Carta",
Said Fitz' when his face he had freed;
Said the Barons, "That's right and if one's not enough,
Get a couple and happen they'll breed."

So they set about making a Carta,
When at finish they'd got it drawn up,
It looked like a paper on cattle disease,
Or the entries for t'Waterloo Cup.

Next day, King John, all unsuspecting,
And having the afternoon free,
To Runnymead Island had taken a boat,
And were having some shrimps for his tea.

He had just pulled the 'ead off a big 'un,
And were pinching its tail with his thumb,
When up came a barge load of Barons, who said,
"We thought you'd be here, so we've come."

When they told him they'd brought Magna Carta,
The King seemed to go kind of limp,
But minding his manners he took off his hat
And said, "Thanks very much, have a shrimp."

"You'd best sign at once", said Fitzwalter,
"If you don't I'll tell you for a start
The next coronation will happen quite soon,
And you won't be there to take part."

So they spread Carta out on t'tea table,
And John signed his name like a lamb,
His writing in places were sticky and thick
Through dipping his pen in the jam.

And it's through that there Magna Carta,
As were signed by the Barons of old,
That in England today we can do what we like,
So long as we do what we're told.

Dead Parrot Sketch - John Cleese & Michael Palin

Had a little chuckle over this one again recently.

John Cleese and Michael Palin performed many subsequent live performances of this Monty Python sketch throughout the years. The sketch is classic British comedy and very well known in UK. A while ago everyone knew it off by heart, including me, and it was very popular.

I did find another live version of the sketch some time ago but unfortunately I cannot locate it again for this post, which is a shame.

Some joker, maybe Palin himself, presented John Cleese with a cloth covered parrot cage. As he walked on stage for the performance the audience squealed with laughter as John pulled back the cloth revealing inside a large live red parrot - definitely not dead and definitely not a Norwegian Blue. Both Palin and Cleese collapsed in laughter and the whole sketch became instantly useless, with Cleese holding the cage high and saying, "This is what I call a live parrot!" The pet shop owner revelled in his ad-lib line, "I told you there was nothing wrong with it!" They both forgot their lines but by sheer genius Cleese shouted to the audience, "What comes next?" and instantly 40 voices delivered the correct cue and they had to ad lib all the way through imagining that the parrot was dead. They struggled through the sketch, including the part when the pet shop owner said he had a slug who could say a few words, which made Cleese laugh. If I had been there I would have asked the audience, "Has anyone got a dead parrot?", in an attempt to get the thing on track again.

Of the two Palin was the more likely to break down laughing during the sketch and he was inclined to alter the rules a bit without telling John. In one version when Cleese complained that the parrot was dead, Palin, as the pet shop owner, apologised and presented him with vouchers as compensation. Again the entire sketch was ruined as Palin disappeared from stage leaving a bewildered, open mouthed Cleese facing the audience in silence. You could see his 'gear wheels' revving like mad to think of something to say to rescue the situation! The audience screamed with laughter.

Whatever they did with it the sketch always ended in tumultuous applause, especially with the live red parrot version with the parrot still flapping it's wings announcing to the world it was very much alive. I'll look again for the You Tube - hope I can find it.

Uncontrollable Laughter

Just what makes us burst into uncontrollable laughter?

I came across this You Tube clip by accident tonight
Just imagine sitting in the interview chair and losing it like this!

I could watch it a thousand times and still laugh, even though I do not speak any Dutch and my first viewing was a version without sub titles. I laughed even though I felt very sorry for the interviewees.

Upon closer examination I found another version which explains that the interviewer actually lost his TV career that night.



And another example - this time and American lady newsreader has to leave the set.
Why do they lose it?



The subject matter on the first example was so serious. I guess it was the first chap's high pitched voice followed by the second chap's low pitch voice. But he was in hysterics long before the second chap stated talking.

Reminds Me Of My Ambulance Days

Well, I found this YouTube and although we never did this sketch we had some good fun.

Mozart Clarinet Quintet In A K581

This is one of my favourite pieces of music.

I always love to listen to stuff like this when I am decorating and doing jobs around the house. So you might imagine the CDs and classical radio have been working overtime during our recent kitchen refurbishments.

A good friend of mine has been pushing herself a bit too hard of late, so my advice is to get a hunk of cheese and some crackers, tie yourself in a chair, and listen to this wonderful music by my all time favourite composer . . . Mozart himself. This is the slow movement, the Larghetto, although it is all wonderful.

I was rather amused by some of the camera work during this piece. Just as the violin took over the melody the video zoomed in on the wrong instrument, the cello. I used to do the same thing sometimes when I was videoing my daughter's musicals, like Guys and Dolls. And if you zoom back to where it should be it makes things worse because the action has moved to yet another place - and you end up playing catch up! I had a little chuckle over this.

This lyrical masterpiece compliments the more famous Clarinet Concerto, which is equally beautiful.

Just where did this man get his melodies? He was taken from life very young, aged just 35, generally understood from Rheumatic Fever. Just imagine what he might have produced had he lived to 60 or 70. The mind boggles.

Oh and I suppose I had better end by telling you my joke:
Q. What did Mozart start doing as soon as he died?
A. Decomposing of course!

Dave Allen's Hilarious Video On 'Sperm'

Now this video clip had me rolling about with uncontrollable laughter. The man is a comic genius.

The subject today is highly unusual and I do not think the way Dave deals with this is in any way offensive.

See what you think LOL

Hope you enjoyed it.

Now you may be wondering just who is this Dave Allen that Eddie is always talking about? I've got some information about him.

Dave Allen, the irreverent and quirky Dublin-born comedian, has died at the age of 68, his agent said today. Allen, born Dave Tynan O'Mahoney in July 1936, died in his sleep at his home in west London. The cause of his death is not yet known. His relaxed and intimate style had a huge impact on British comedy, and his taboo-breaking, expletive-ridden musings on subjects such as sex and Catholicism paved the way for future generations of comedians. He became a household name in Britain in the 70s thanks to the success of his TV shows Tonight With Dave Allen and Dave Allen at Large.

Allen learned his trade the old-fashioned way, touring extensively with theatre groups and performing in nightclubs and working men's clubs. His first television break came in Australia, when his own show, Tonight With Dave Allen, was commissioned in 1963. Initially intended to run for eight weeks, its popularity was so great that it lasted 18 months. He returned to England and appeared on the ATV television show Sunday Night at the Palladium alongside the Beatles. His appearance on the Val Doonican Show in 1965 led to the BBC offering him his own show. The result, the British version of Tonight With Dave Allen, began in 1968, and its wittily engaging and informative style proved an immediate success. In 1971, BBC2 commissioned Dave Allen at Large. With a mixture of straight to camera monologues and sketches, it became one of the decade's highest-rating programmes, although satirical attacks on religion meant controversy was rarely far away. During the 70s, Allen also returned to acting, appearing on the London stage in several productions, produced documentaries for the BBC and American TV, and wrote several books.

In 1978, he appeared in an Alan Bennett play for television, and returned to live stand-up comedy with successful tours of Britain, Australia and New Zealand. In 1981, a two-week engagement at the Wilbur theatre in Boston proved less successful, with the US audiences finding the sacrilegious content of his act more difficult to stomach.His superb storytelling ability ensured that he remained on TV screens until recent years. Between 1981 and 1990, he made two series, simply entitled Dave Allen, for the BBC, and one for ITV in 1993-94. His use of a swear word on air in 1990 prompted the BBC to issue a public apology and MPs to ask questions about him in the Commons. Allen, who is survived by his wife and three children, spent recent years in semi-retirement.

DAVE ALLEN GIVES UP SMOKING

Have you ever given up smoking?

I have, 40 years ago and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life - but I made it.
Nicotine is a powerful drug and apparently almost as difficult as heroine to stop taking.
I was a 40 cigarette a day man and was an total addict. Several of us at work were trying to stop so 6 of us were resolved one day to actually try to 'kick the nasty habit', after all if God had intended us to smoke he would have put chimneys on our heads wouldn't he? It was about this time I started long distance running. I was a fair distance runner at school and it was a delight to start again. My times over a six mile run reduced significantly and I became quite fit with a pulse rate at rest of just 47 beats per minute. You might say I was Puffed Out!!

On the day in question all six of us placed our names on a sheet of paper in the printing room and after each day we filled in a little square which we continued to do after each day. The Publications Manager was a complete flop - he lasted just 20 minutes. Various other people sneaked off the the toilets with increasing frequency for a quiet and crafty 'drag' but after a week three of us kept going. We bolstered ourselves by adding on our no smoking corner anti - smoking notices. At the time there was an advertisement, "People think the world of Lambert and Butler". I modified this to read, "Funeral Directors think the world of Lambert and Butler".

It was difficult for 6 months and even up to a year I could easily have started again. When I stopped the cost was 3s 6p (old money) which equates to 17.5 new pence for 20. Now they are £5 per 20. That is over 28 times as much - I must have saved a small fortune.

All this leads to our old friend Dave Allen and his attempts to stop the evil habit. Enjoy!