Plato's Procrastinations

Two Funeral Sketches Not To Be Missed

2012-02-04T12:31:00.000-08:00

Now we all agree that funerals should be sad and sombre events. We have all attended them and we have all shed tears. Yet somehow, when out of context, I detect some funerals can be vehicles for amusement - that is when things go wrong or when something occurs completely out of the ordinary.

This Dick Emery sketch caught my eye recently and I could not help but laugh! Hmm! sorry!!

And, of course, my mind is cast back to the famous Dave Allen funeral sketch, which I posted over a year ago. I am repeating this so those who missed it have another chance to share the fun.

A Rather Strange Rendition Of Grieg's Piano Concerto

2012-02-03T11:51:00.000-08:00

Hi folks! I am supposed to be on Blog Break but I could not resist posting this hilarious video of Morecombe and Wise teasing a world class conductor and pianist - non other than Andre Previn. He takes the joke well and I think he gives as good as he gets.

Hope you likes it as much as I did. I remember watching this live in the 1970s.

Moonlight Sonata and a Surprise

2012-01-21T17:45:00.000-08:00

Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata No 14 in C-sharp minor has always been a favourite of mine, although the key signature is rather tricky. I used to play the slow first movement reasonably well on a good day, although by no means well enough to play before an audience other than next door's cat. However it is the final 3rd movement which really 'grabbed' me, and still does, and I must confess when no-one was around I did have a go at it now and then, but usually ended up getting totally frustrated with my poor technique and disobedient fingers hitting the wrong keys.

I have a video You Tube of Wilhelm Kempff playing. Sadly he passed away in 1991 to join many other great departed pianists. I remember seeing Rubinstein playing this wonderfully at a concert in Bristol when Mrs Bluelights and I were in our 20s. not long ago LOL.

Hope you enjoyed that and now a surprise. Imagine this piece played on electric guitar!! Well no need to imagine it because we can hear it. I just wonder what Beethoven would have made of it and whether he would have welcomed having a pair of digital hearing aids so he could hear this. Do you think he would have accepted them or handed them back in disgust?

Personally I think the technique of Dr.Viossy playing is brilliant although it is a pity some of his intricate playing is drowned by the synthesisers, and perhaps he plays it a little too quickly.

Now what do you make of that?

Oh! and there is another fantastic guitar performance but this time a rendition of Mozart's Turkish Rondo played . . . . . . wait for it . . . . by two men on one guitar. See HERE

Chopin . . . . Wonderful Chopin

2012-01-10T16:01:00.000-08:00

After my previous two posts you may be asking yourselves:

Does this fella, Eddie hear Offenbach or Bach often? LOL

Sorry, could not resist that one! Yes I hear Bach often but this week I have a change for us in the form of wonderful, wonderful Chopin and one of my all time favourite compositions which I have been meaning to post about for some time. Chopin's prodigiously difficult Sonata No 3 in B Minor.

I have the music and have tried in vain to play it - even at very slow speed. Utterly impossible!!! Mrs Bluelights has on several occasions protested that I am playing all the wrong note to which I reply, "No my dear they are all the right notes . . . . . but in the wrong order!" LOL.

Enough of the fun . . . let's hear the fantastic final movement, played by a chap who sadly died very young in 1950 from Hodgkin's Disease aged just 33. His name, Dinu Lipatti, born in Romania. He was a fantastic pianist and this recording was made in 1947.

I could have chosen several more modern pianists for comparison, including Emile Gillels, Katsaris, and other greats but instead I was attracted to this enthusiastic performance by a young lady called Colleen Lee, who is acclaimed as one of the leading piano talents of her generation.

Now I just cannot resist posting yet another rendition which 'knocked me down' . . . . . . and . . . . . wait for it . . . . . . I am going back in time to 1923 for a recording complete with warts and all plus tape hiss . . . . but who cares? What a fantastic technique and we can hear every note, not drowned by the loud pedal as in some later and contemporary recordings. Her name was Lucy Hickenlooper.

For those wanting to know more about her here is what I found:

Her name was Lucy Hickenlooper, and she was born in San Antonio, Texas, August 8, 1880. Later, not surprisingly, her manager Henry Wolfsohn thought that a name change was a necessary career move. She chose the professional name of Olga Samaroff from a remote Russian relative.
At the age of 12, she was taken by her grandmother to Europe where she remained until she was 21. Her talents were so impressive that she was given a scholarship in the piano class at the Paris Conservatoire thus becoming the first American woman to be granted that honor. There she studied with among others, Elie Delaborde (the illegitimate son of Charles-Valentin Alkan). Samaroff writes that when she was first introduced to Delaborde, he gruffly ordered her to play. While she played he restlessly beat time with his foot ..muttering to himself a sort of running commentary on Americans and their lack of musical talent. It was the first injustice that I had encountered in life. When Delaborde noticed that her name (Hickenlooper) had a Germanic origin, he suddenly found that her playing had vastly improved. After completing her studies at the Paris Conservatoire, she made a highly successful debut in Paris. Samaroff then married a Russian engineer, Boris Loutzky, and went to Berlin (1898) where she studied with Ernest Hutcheson, Otis B Boise and Ernest Jedliczka (pupil of Anton Rubinstein and Tchaikovsky). During her Berlin years, she met Richard Strauss, Felix Weingartner, Artur Nikisch, and Gustav Mahler among others. Later she performed the Grieg Piano Concerto several times under Mahlers direction in the United States. Her brief marriage to Loutzky was annulled.
Samaroffs American debut took place on January 8, 1905 at Carnegie Hall with the New York Symphony Orchestra. Her debut was a complete success.
About 1908, she met an obscure English organist and choir master who was a recent arrival in New York His name was Leopold Stokowski. Evidently, Samaroffs families (Hickenlooper-Grunewald) were also prominent members of the City of Cincinnati as they were able to secure for the unknown Stokowski the position of conductor of the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra. (1909- 1912). Thus began the career of a legendary conductor. Samaroff and Stokowski were married in 1911. Their marriage ended in divorce twelve years later.
About 1920, Samaroff performed nearly all of Beethovens keyboard works in several cities. The concertos were, of course, conducted by her husband who by that time was conductor of the Philadelphia Orchestra. This project included all 32 of the piano sonatas. (There have been rumors for years that it was Stokowski who pushed Samaroff into giving these recitals. Whatever the truth is, they were enormously significant both musically and historically). Unfortunately, except for Samaroffs recording of the Beethoven-Rubinstein Ruins of Athens Turkish March there are no other compositions of Beethovens music in her discography. (She was asked by RCA Victor to record the Moonlight Sonata. There were four takes. She did not approve any of them).

In 1926, Samaroff suffered an injury to her left arm. She subsequently devoted herself to teaching at Julliard and the Philadelphia Conservatory. She held both positions until her death after a brief illness. She died in her New York apartment on May 17, 1948.

Among her many students were, William Kapell, Claudette Sorel, Rosalyn Turek, Eugene List, Sigi Weissenberg, Raymond Lewenthal, Augustin Anievas and Bruce Hungerford.
Her pupil Claudette Sorell writes, Life with Madam was a continuous series of surprises, adventures and brainstorms. Nobody but Madam would call at 7 a.m. or 12.30 p.m. as she suddenly had decided a certain pupil should demonstrate the Romantic Period at her famous Laymans Music Courses at Town Hall, the following day. She would say, I do not care if you have to stay up all night long, but get it ready. And, invariably, the piece was prepared and the pupil was ready to collapse after the performance.

How about that!

Jacques Loussier plays J. S. Bach: Sicilienne in G Minor

2012-01-05T12:42:00.000-08:00

Anyone remember the Jacques Loussier trio?

Going back a little to the '60's and '70's he was very popular. The trio was formed in 1959 and disbanded in 1978. Personally I did not like every number they recorded, but this one really 'grabbed' me, an adaptation of J S Bach's beautiful Sicilienne, originally played on the flute.

Hope you enjoyed it.

I have found another version by Juliette Hurel on the wooden flute illustrating J S Bach's original version but perhaps it is played a little too quickly for my taste.

Bach Piano Concerto in A Major BWV 1055

2012-01-02T05:43:00.000-08:00

J S Bach has always been one of my absolute favourite composers. I love all his piano concertos, all his violin concertos, all his keyboard works, all his choral works, in fact all his work. His style is always lively, melodic and uplifting. In most cases the music reminds me of a ball bouncing along in time to the beat. I am sure when he died he did not start decomposing - in fact I truly believe he is up there right now, with the other greats, still composing new masterpieces for all to enjoy. What a treat we shall have when we get there, and I really wonder exactly what they have in store for us.

Some eminent musicians say Bach was the greatest jazz musician of all time, which I find amusing and I can see some truth in it.

I came across this YouTube gem of David Fray conducting and playing the first movement of Bach's piano concerto in A major. They are rehearsing for the launch of him recording the audio CDs of four concertos for Virgin Records. Bach actually wrote six keyboard concertos so I hope the remaining two will be recorded in due course.

Notice this brilliant Frenchman's technique, his dexterity and delightful phrasing plus his rather cheeky interpretation, which may annoy some 'stuffy' purists who should really know better because if they are that inflexible they should not be listening to a piano version anyway because J S Bach wrote all his keyboard pieces for the harpsichord. Back to Mr Fray. Did you notice the way he almost rides the piano, how low he holds his head and the way he plays with such enthusiasm. Did you see him turn the music page when really he never needs to look at any of it throughout the entire movement. He plays the piece with perfect ease and looks as though he has plenty left in the tank for whatever further technical demands which may be made of him, no matter what. This piece is taken from a rehearsal and for those interested there follows a longer version which includes him asking the orchestra to play according to his wishes, which sometimes elicits a few turned up noses - it makes a fascinating study. This guy is a true craftsman and I am currently considering buying him playing all four Bach Piano Concerto on the one CD - a bargain from Amazon.

Well time for cheese and biscuits again with some vino and sit back and enjoy.

And after all this, I have just found a glowing review of Mr Fray's rendition of his recordings. I am so pleased that someone who knows what they are talking about likes them as much as me. If you have time after commenting here, please have a look:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/music/reviews/br54

Oh and no doubt Mrs Bluelights would probably say he should get his hair cut and how on earth can he play without getting in his eyes every few seconds LOL.

Music To Reach Your Soul - Wieniawski Violin Concerto No 1

2011-12-28T05:10:00.000-08:00

Last time I posted some dancing with a definite "Wow" factor.

Today I am posting some music which is not very well known but which I think reaches our souls in terms of sheer beauty and lyricism.

I am playing Wieniawski's Violin Concerto No 1.

Henryk Wieniawski (1835-1880) was considered a genius and was a great virtuoso violinist and composer, born in Poland. His writing is noted for great technical difficulty as well as highly melodic phrasing. I just love it and in my humble opinion his works rank with the great composers we all know and love.

For those who wish to learn more about him please press HERE.

I became aware of this great man when my Polish mother-in-law brought an LP back from her holiday in Poland in 1976 and I loved this music ever since. There are two Violin Concertos but today I shall deal with Concerto No 1, although both are equally great. These works have become more popular in the UK in recent years.

I found a wonderful Youtube video of SoYoung Yoon playing an excerpt from the third movement, so you can get the flavour of it. Isn't she lovely and a joy to watch her play - and her expression at the end bears testimony to the difficulty of the concerto.

For anyone who wants to hear more I then have set up the entire concerto for you to enjoy. Unfortunately it is in three parts but this does not mar the enjoyment too much. So, get some cheese and crackers and a glass of vino and 'drink in' this wonderful music. Both concertos are readily available on CD and I for one think they should be in everyone's collection.

And now the full version if you wish.

C'est Magnifique, n'est ce pas?

Strictly Come Dancing Professional Jive

2011-12-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

Now for something definitely with the Wow Factor.

For those who don't know it we have a TV programme in the UK called Strictly Come Dancing. For non dancers like myself, who definitely have two left feet, I for one am always amazed and wowed watching these wonderful dancers. I have great admiration for those who can dance really well like these folk but for me this would be Mission Impossible.

Anyone for a Jive? Isn't this fantastic? Does anyone know the song?
And thank you Monica at "Creative Beast" - she identifies the song as "Land of a Thousand Dances".

And this is even better!! Quite amazing!!

And the music? "Rebel Yell" by Billy Idol. . . . . . very catchy and lively.

Just how these ladies dance like that in high heels without tripping up beats me!

Hang on a minute!! I know someone who may be able to dance this!! Marguerite at Cajun Delights perhaps - are you dancing today, cher? LOL. Perhaps you might be the lady with the long brunette hair! . . . and the redhead might be one of your dancing pals perhaps.

I wish I could do it - boy, it looks great fun. But I expect all these dancers worked extraordinary hard to reach this standard and as the saying goes, "Yer get out of this life what yer put into it - nothing comes for free!"

I wonder if I take up Jive dancing whether I will appear as young , fit, energetic, handsome, happy, rich, gorgeous chap LOL . . . . like these highly professional dancers! - aren't they fantastic? Oh well, perhaps in the next life.

Dave Allen Talks About Holidays

2011-11-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

Hi folks!

It's about time we looked again at one of my all time favourite comedians - non other than Dave Allen, sadly now departed.

This time he presents a no holds barred account of the physiology of holidaying with all the advertising 'guff' and sales promotion which more often than not leads to a total flop of a holiday, making us wonder why the 'ell we didn't stay at home.

Well here it is - hope you enjoy it - if there is anyone out there LOL

Royal Wedding Spoof and guess who stole the show!

2011-05-04T16:14:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks!

We have had a little wedding here in the UK, just in case it had escaped your attention.
First and foremost, I was surprised my invitation seemed to have been mislaid somewhere. I see the Beckhams and Sir Elton John received theirs - wonder where mine went? I thought Harry was inviting me as the court jester. Never mind . . . I had to watch it on the 'telly'.

Seriously, for a minute, the wedding was very popular here and UK was almost at a standstill with 25 million people watching on TV. . . . . and an astonishing 2 billion worldwide. You know, I feel very good about this wedding . . . I mean with so many failed Royal marriages, I just feel this one is different and for the long haul. William and Kate thought long and hard about this and made a commitment to each other four years ago. May God bless them. Now the serious stuff is over, take a 'gander' at this.

Kate's sister, Pippa Middleton, certainly generated excitement amongst the male community with an incredible 67 tweets per second on Twitter with the full range of remarks from flattering to downright obscene. In fact Pippa so excited the boys she almost caused the entire Twitter system to crash. And to cap it all we read today that she has come as a complete rank outsider from nowhere to be favourite for the UK's prestigious title of "Rear Of The Year". LOL How about that then - hope she wins - she certainly has my vote.

And . . . . I found a highly amusing wedding spoof which you I am delighted to share with you, starring 15 Royal look alikes. Prince Harry loves it and has it on his facebook. Enjoy!

The Philosopher's Football Match Greeks vs Germany

2011-04-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

This sketch amused me - it is so ridiculous I just had to laugh out loud.
The Philosophers' Football Match is a Monty Python sketch depicting a football match in the Olympiastadion at the 1972 Munich Olympics between philosophers representing Greece and Germany. Starring in the sketch are Archimedes (John Cleese), Socrates (Eric Idle), Hegel (Graham Chapman), Nietzsche (Michael Palin), Marx (Terry Jones) and Kant (Terry Gilliam).
Confucius is the referee and Thomas Aquinas and St. Augustine (sporting haloes) serve as linesmen.^[1] The German manager is Martin Luther. As play begins, the philosophers ponder their theories while walking on the pitch in circles.^[1] Franz Beckenbauer, the sole genuine footballer on the pitch and a "surprise inclusion" in the German team, is left more than a little confused.

The sketch originally featured in the second Monty Python's Fliegender Zirkus episode and was later included in Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl (1982).^[2]

Nietzsche receives a yellow card after claiming that "Confucius has no free will"; Confucius says "Name go in book". Karl Marx replaces Ludwig Wittgenstein, but does nothing to advance the game. On the 89th minute, Archimedes cries out "Eureka!" and instructs the Greeks to use the football. Socrates scores the only goal of the match in a diving header from a cross from Archimedes. As the sketch closes, the Germans dispute the call; "Hegel is arguing that the reality is merely an a priori adjunct of non-naturalistic ethics, Kant via the categorical imperative is holding that ontologically it exists only in the imagination, and Marx is claiming it was offside."

This sketch is quite fitting for my blog, Plato's Procrastinations LOL

Dave Allen's Thoughts On Religion

2011-03-23T14:44:00.000-07:00

After his last hilarious you tube on Adam and Eve, shown on my previous post, I present Dave Allen's masterpiece on Religion and how a four year old boy was expected by a convent nun to understand several complex theological doctrines including the Trinity and Omnipresence. It is an absolute riot. LOL

I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did - and of course it is all just tongue in cheek and innocent fun - I think, although Dave Allen did upset some religious people in his time.

Whilst writing I note from my marvellous little book entitled "The Book Of Heroic Failures" reference to a highly popular and exciting production of the Holy Bible. This was all about the most unsuccessful version of the Bible ever printed. In 1631 Messrs Robert Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers in London obviously failed to proof read the script properly. It contained several mistakes, but one was 'inspired'. The word 'not' was omitted from The Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, to commit adultery.
Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined the printers £3,000.
What a spoil sport!! LOL

More Dave Allen

2011-03-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

Dave Allen was well known for his religious sketches. Here is one about creation and the psychology of Genesis with his typical sense of humour in which he wonders why tell a woman, of all people, not to eat the fruit and actually shows her where it was. I shall say no more except excuse me while I duck for cover!! LOL.

All tongue in cheek of course.

Reminds me of a couple of jokes:
Q. How will we recognise Adam when we get to Heaven?
A. either He will have one rib less than everyone else
or He will have no Navel.
second joke:
Q. How will we recognise Eve when we get to Heaven
A. She will have no Navel either.
or she will have rosy apple red cheeks.

Third joke:
God tells Adam he has created a woman for him to share his life.
Adam asks, "Where is she?"
God says, "Walk along the path and I will lead you to her".
Adam says, "What's a path?"
God says, "It's a small road, at the end of it is a cave and she is in it."
Adam says, "What's a cave?"
God sighs and said, "It's a hole in the side of a mountain! - go in and you will find her."
Adam says, "When I find her what will I do?"
God says, "Don't worry, you will know for I have programmed you - there you have arrived and now go in and meet her!"
Adam says, "OK!"
After 10 minutes Adam comes out wearing a puzzled frown and God says, "What's the matter now?"
Adam says, "What's a head ache?"

LOL

The Two Ronnies - Four Candles Sketch

2011-02-25T12:57:00.000-08:00

This sketch by The Two Ronnies was voted the Nation's favourite comedy sketch.
It is absolutely hilarious - see what you think. LOL

Hope you liked it.

The Two Ronnies - Courtroom Gameshow

2011-02-10T12:10:00.000-08:00

This is another hilarious sketch by The Two Ronnies.

Oh dear, they do make me laugh.
There are numerous references to UK television games shows.

Dick Emery And The Tramp

2011-01-31T15:05:00.000-08:00

Another video clip from down memory lane from one of my favourite comedians, Dick Emery.
Oh he is awful - but we like him! LOL

It's a bit short so here's another featuring Honky Tonks! LOL

The British Army may not be the same again! . . . . or will it? LOL

The Two Ronnies - Mastermind

2011-01-14T17:03:00.000-08:00

All I can say is "LOL"

The Casting Agent - Dick Emery

2011-01-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

I've found another hilarious Dick Emery clip.
Remember, he's the comedian who says, "Oh you are awful - but I like you!"
But not this time, for he is not playing Mandy but a frustrated drama teacher trying yet again to get her pupil into the acting profession. Enjoy!

The Two Ronnies - The Crossword

2011-01-05T15:46:00.000-08:00

Here's another beauty from the Two Ronnies LOL
The Crossword.

Oh I must also mention that the Nun asked for a rubber! Hmm! . . . for the Americans amongst us she means 'an eraser' LOL

Beginner's Luck! Anyone For Squash?

2011-01-02T12:29:00.000-08:00

One of my favourite "Two Ronnies" sketches LOL.

Benny Hill comedy sketch

2010-12-21T15:22:00.000-08:00

Benny Hill was another great UK comedian and his TV shows pulled in millions of viewers.
One of his most famous characters was the Chinese chap who got his r's and l's and d's mixed up resulting in his listeners having great difficulty understanding him, much to his annoyance. In this sketch a Pakistani imigration officer also has difficulty understanding English, particulary when the China Man tries to explain things - hence him saying between his teeth, "Sirry Iriot".

Benny was a bit of an odd ball and was very absent minded. He was a very rich man and left unbanked cheques around. He was not married and 'conned' a lot of people into believing when he died they would be the recipients of large amounts of money. In fact he left them nothing and every penny when to his nephew. I can see him in my mind's eye laughing.

Benny Hill Chinaman
Uploaded by jwj. - Click for more funny videos.

Flash Mob Hallelujah Chorus

2010-12-09T16:13:00.000-08:00

I've 'nicked' this fantastic You Tube idea from Ann at her blog Retired and Crazy.
Just imagine the surprise on the faces of these unsuspecting diners LOL.
It would be wonderful to have that experience - one minute eating and drinking and then . . . . boy! What a powerful message. The Messiah is one of my favourites.

A standing ovation to them.

There are a number of great flash mob you tubes available on the web like this one when 300 people froze for 5 minutes and then moved on. Many instances like this happen all over the world LOL.

Dave Allen Funeral Sketches

2010-12-04T15:45:00.000-08:00

Here is a video You Tube which amused me. It features one of my favourite comedians, Dave Allen.
Of course! LOL - you've met him here before. This time he treats us to some Irish funeral stories. Enjoy!

Talking of funerals - I have a great book called "The Book Of Heroic Failures" by Stephen Pile of The Not Terribly Good Club Of Great Britain, where success is scorned and failures encouraged with glee. I quote from "The Funeral That Disturbed The Corpse".

Perhaps the most unsuccessful funeral ever held was that of an oriental missionary called Schwartz. The service was held in Deli at the end of the last century and culminated in the congregation singing the favourite hymn of the recently deceased Dr Schwartz. The mourners were surprised during the final verse to hear a loud voice from within the coffin joining in.

Lottery Win

2010-10-30T15:54:00.001-07:00

I've won the lottery!

. . . excuse me while I count my money!

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR . . . . . . .

s m i l i n g . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Still counting . . . . . .

Perhaps some long lost relatives will now be starting to crawl out of the woodwork LOL

Well I've added a bit more . . . .
First my comment:
"Just wanted to see if this news boosted my comment tally and my followers! LOL"

Well the experiment has worked. So far I have had a passing Heron fly in, a retired teacher with a lot of smiles visiting several times, a supremo artist/writer/journalist/you name it and she can do wonderfully, a sister, me (several times), a hound dog LOL, a chef/cookbook writer who might be Bonnie in Bonnie & Clyde plus her friend, a mysterious lady called Cleo - the latter two want me to fly over to help spend my money and say they will send a limo for starters!! What next I wonder! I've just bought the tickets!

That is so far!! . . . . . a very encouraging experiment but wait until the news really breaks in the tabloids LOL

Three Class Distinctions

2010-10-19T15:36:00.000-07:00

I dug out a favourite and famous John Cleese YouTube showing the typical Great British class distinctions, as made popular by the mad Monti Python team. With him are Ronnie Barjer and Ronnie Corbett who later starred in the blockbuster The Two Ronnies TV series

And then I found a more recent skit on it, featuring Stephen Fry with Ronnie Barker and Ronnie Corbett.

No offence meant I am sure with reference to the French. I have some great French pals.

Dave Allen on Telling The Time

2010-10-11T15:47:00.000-07:00

Absolutely amazing hilarity!!

A masterpiece of teaching a kid to tell the time!! . . . enjoy!

And after that an Eddie joke, sorry:

Q. What goes tick tock, tick tock, wuff wuff?

A. A watch dog

Oi! Skip! Yer Must Be 'Wheely' Loaded!

2010-09-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

Surprising what you see blocking the road these days!

I had my camera on board a minibus I was driving this afternoon and shot this unusual scene LOL. The incident delayed me for about 10 minutes.

The poor bloke was trying to operate the hydraulics to get a very heavy skip on board and his front wheels were lifted clean off the ground. The whole thing almost tipped over backwards into the front of a house. In the end he just 'went for it' and as the centre of gravity of the load on the fulcrum of the rear wheels passed towards the lorry the front wheels crashed to the ground, he jumped in and drove off.

Motto - always have camera with you!

The Two Ronnies - Egyptian Hieroglyphics

2010-09-02T16:08:00.000-07:00

I expect most people will remember the 1980's TV series on BBC television called The Two Ronnies featuring Ronnie Corbett and the late Ronnie Barker.

One of my favourites is about Egyptian Hieroglyphics featuring Ronnie Barker.
Hope you like. I'll post a few more of these.

THE BOOKSHOP SKETCH

2010-08-15T00:45:00.000-07:00

I found this sketch very recently by two of my favourite characters, John Cleese and Connie Booth, co-authors of that wonderful and timeless TV series of 12 episodes of Fawlty Towers.

The Bookshop was originally shown as a Monty Python sketch.
I think it is hilarious - enjoy.

More Dick Emery

2010-08-07T11:45:00.000-07:00

Oh they are awful - but I like them!!

Anyone Found A Missing French Horn?

2010-07-31T23:45:00.000-07:00

This post is inspired straight from Mimi's Sunday Roast, just published. Mimi plays the French Horn and when I was putting the roast together I immediately thought of Michael Flanders and Donald Swann, two British comedians and popular performers.

The British duo Flanders and Swann were the actor and singer Michael Flanders (1922–1975) and the composer, pianist and linguist Donald Swann (1923–1994), who collaborated in writing and performing comic songs.

Between 1956 and 1967 they performed some of their songs in their long-running two-man revues At the Drop of a Hat and At the Drop of Another Hat. Both revues were recorded in concert along with several studio-based tracks.

My favourite sketch is a skit on Mozart's Horn Concerto No 3 where Michael, accompanied by Donald on the piano, sings a woeful tale of his missing French Horn, no doubt much to the relief of the neigbours.

Michael contracted polio in 1943 and was confined to his wheelchair and so both men were seated during their many performances. Sadly both men are no longer with us.

So here it is - I think it is very funny.

Longest Words In The English Language

2010-07-20T23:00:00.000-07:00

Just thought you'd be interested in the longest words in the English Language.
Get your tongues round this little lot!!

MAGNA CARTA

2010-07-16T20:16:00.000-07:00

I have found a number of additional monologues which Stanley Holloway did not record, and I have not yet posted. The first one is Magna Carta, which if my memory of English history serves me correctly took place in 1215 and was signed reluctantly by King John, while his brother, Richard was away fighting the crusades. I am preparing a full list of all the monologues with links which I will post soon. I know several of you liked these so I am delighted to post some more. For those not knowing the majority of these monologues are spoken with a North England accent.

THE MAGNA CARTA
by Marriott Edgar (1937)

I'll tell of the Magna Carta
As were signed at the Baron's command
On 'Runnymead' Island in t'middle of t'Thames
By King John, as were known as 'Lack Land'.

Some say it were wrong of the Barons,
Their will on the King so to thrust,
But you'll see if you look at both sides of the case
That they had to something, or bust.

For John, from the moment they crowned him,
Started acting so cunning and sly,
Being King, of course, he couldn't do any wrong,
But, by gum, he'd a proper good try.

He squandered the ratepayer's money;
All their cattle and corn did he take,
'Til there wasn't a morsel of bread in the land,
And folk had to manage on cake.

The way he behaved to young Arthur
Went to show as his feelings was bad;
He tried to get Hubert to poke out his eyes,
Which is no way to treat a young lad.

It were alright him being a tyrant
To vassals and folks of that class,
But he tried on his tricks with the Barons an' all,
And that's where he made a faux pass.

He started bombarding their castles,
And burning them over their head,
'Til there wasn't enough castles left to go round,
And they had to sleep six in a bed.

So they went to the King in a body,
And their spokesman, Fitzwalter by name,
He opened the 'ole in his 'elmet and said,
'Concil-latory' like, "What's the game ?"

The King starts to shilly and shally,
He sits and he haws and he hums,
'Til the Barons in rage started knashing their teeth,
And them with no teeth gnashed on t'gums.

Said Fitz', through the 'ole in his 'elmet,
"It was you as put us in this plight,"
And the King having nothing to say to this 'ere
Murmurred, "Leave your address and I'll write."

This angered the gallant Fitzwalter;
He stamped on the floor with his foot,
And were starting to give John a rare ticking off,
When the 'ole in his 'elmet fell shut.

"We'll get him to sign Magna Carta",
Said Fitz' when his face he had freed;
Said the Barons, "That's right and if one's not enough,
Get a couple and happen they'll breed."

So they set about making a Carta,
When at finish they'd got it drawn up,
It looked like a paper on cattle disease,
Or the entries for t'Waterloo Cup.

Next day, King John, all unsuspecting,
And having the afternoon free,
To Runnymead Island had taken a boat,
And were having some shrimps for his tea.

He had just pulled the 'ead off a big 'un,
And were pinching its tail with his thumb,
When up came a barge load of Barons, who said,
"We thought you'd be here, so we've come."

When they told him they'd brought Magna Carta,
The King seemed to go kind of limp,
But minding his manners he took off his hat
And said, "Thanks very much, have a shrimp."

"You'd best sign at once", said Fitzwalter,
"If you don't I'll tell you for a start
The next coronation will happen quite soon,
And you won't be there to take part."

So they spread Carta out on t'tea table,
And John signed his name like a lamb,
His writing in places were sticky and thick
Through dipping his pen in the jam.

And it's through that there Magna Carta,
As were signed by the Barons of old,
That in England today we can do what we like,
So long as we do what we're told.

Dead Parrot Sketch - John Cleese & Michael Palin

2010-07-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

Had a little chuckle over this one again recently.

John Cleese and Michael Palin performed many subsequent live performances of this Monty Python sketch throughout the years. The sketch is classic British comedy and very well known in UK. A while ago everyone knew it off by heart, including me, and it was very popular.

I did find another live version of the sketch some time ago but unfortunately I cannot locate it again for this post, which is a shame.

Some joker, maybe Palin himself, presented John Cleese with a cloth covered parrot cage. As he walked on stage for the performance the audience squealed with laughter as John pulled back the cloth revealing inside a large live red parrot - definitely not dead and definitely not a Norwegian Blue. Both Palin and Cleese collapsed in laughter and the whole sketch became instantly useless, with Cleese holding the cage high and saying, "This is what I call a live parrot!" The pet shop owner revelled in his ad-lib line, "I told you there was nothing wrong with it!" They both forgot their lines but by sheer genius Cleese shouted to the audience, "What comes next?" and instantly 40 voices delivered the correct cue and they had to ad lib all the way through imagining that the parrot was dead. They struggled through the sketch, including the part when the pet shop owner said he had a slug who could say a few words, which made Cleese laugh. If I had been there I would have asked the audience, "Has anyone got a dead parrot?", in an attempt to get the thing on track again.

Of the two Palin was the more likely to break down laughing during the sketch and he was inclined to alter the rules a bit without telling John. In one version when Cleese complained that the parrot was dead, Palin, as the pet shop owner, apologised and presented him with vouchers as compensation. Again the entire sketch was ruined as Palin disappeared from stage leaving a bewildered, open mouthed Cleese facing the audience in silence. You could see his 'gear wheels' revving like mad to think of something to say to rescue the situation! The audience screamed with laughter.

Whatever they did with it the sketch always ended in tumultuous applause, especially with the live red parrot version with the parrot still flapping it's wings announcing to the world it was very much alive. I'll look again for the You Tube - hope I can find it.

Uncontrollable Laughter

2010-07-06T01:20:00.000-07:00

Just what makes us burst into uncontrollable laughter?

I came across this You Tube clip by accident tonight
Just imagine sitting in the interview chair and losing it like this!

I could watch it a thousand times and still laugh, even though I do not speak any Dutch and my first viewing was a version without sub titles. I laughed even though I felt very sorry for the interviewees.

Upon closer examination I found another version which explains that the interviewer actually lost his TV career that night.

And another example - this time and American lady newsreader has to leave the set.
Why do they lose it?

The subject matter on the first example was so serious. I guess it was the first chap's high pitched voice followed by the second chap's low pitch voice. But he was in hysterics long before the second chap stated talking.

Reminds Me Of My Ambulance Days

2010-06-28T00:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I found this YouTube and although we never did this sketch we had some good fun.

Mozart Clarinet Quintet In A K581

2010-06-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

This is one of my favourite pieces of music.

I always love to listen to stuff like this when I am decorating and doing jobs around the house. So you might imagine the CDs and classical radio have been working overtime during our recent kitchen refurbishments.

A good friend of mine has been pushing herself a bit too hard of late, so my advice is to get a hunk of cheese and some crackers, tie yourself in a chair, and listen to this wonderful music by my all time favourite composer . . . Mozart himself. This is the slow movement, the Larghetto, although it is all wonderful.

I was rather amused by some of the camera work during this piece. Just as the violin took over the melody the video zoomed in on the wrong instrument, the cello. I used to do the same thing sometimes when I was videoing my daughter's musicals, like Guys and Dolls. And if you zoom back to where it should be it makes things worse because the action has moved to yet another place - and you end up playing catch up! I had a little chuckle over this.

This lyrical masterpiece compliments the more famous Clarinet Concerto, which is equally beautiful.

Just where did this man get his melodies? He was taken from life very young, aged just 35, generally understood from Rheumatic Fever. Just imagine what he might have produced had he lived to 60 or 70. The mind boggles.

Oh and I suppose I had better end by telling you my joke:
Q. What did Mozart start doing as soon as he died?
A. Decomposing of course!

Dave Allen's Hilarious Video On 'Sperm'

2010-06-14T23:05:00.000-07:00

Now this video clip had me rolling about with uncontrollable laughter. The man is a comic genius.

The subject today is highly unusual and I do not think the way Dave deals with this is in any way offensive.

See what you think LOL

Hope you enjoyed it.

Now you may be wondering just who is this Dave Allen that Eddie is always talking about? I've got some information about him.

Dave Allen, the irreverent and quirky Dublin-born comedian, has died at the age of 68, his agent said today. Allen, born Dave Tynan O'Mahoney in July 1936, died in his sleep at his home in west London. The cause of his death is not yet known. His relaxed and intimate style had a huge impact on British comedy, and his taboo-breaking, expletive-ridden musings on subjects such as sex and Catholicism paved the way for future generations of comedians. He became a household name in Britain in the 70s thanks to the success of his TV shows Tonight With Dave Allen and Dave Allen at Large.

Allen learned his trade the old-fashioned way, touring extensively with theatre groups and performing in nightclubs and working men's clubs. His first television break came in Australia, when his own show, Tonight With Dave Allen, was commissioned in 1963. Initially intended to run for eight weeks, its popularity was so great that it lasted 18 months. He returned to England and appeared on the ATV television show Sunday Night at the Palladium alongside the Beatles. His appearance on the Val Doonican Show in 1965 led to the BBC offering him his own show. The result, the British version of Tonight With Dave Allen, began in 1968, and its wittily engaging and informative style proved an immediate success. In 1971, BBC2 commissioned Dave Allen at Large. With a mixture of straight to camera monologues and sketches, it became one of the decade's highest-rating programmes, although satirical attacks on religion meant controversy was rarely far away. During the 70s, Allen also returned to acting, appearing on the London stage in several productions, produced documentaries for the BBC and American TV, and wrote several books.

In 1978, he appeared in an Alan Bennett play for television, and returned to live stand-up comedy with successful tours of Britain, Australia and New Zealand. In 1981, a two-week engagement at the Wilbur theatre in Boston proved less successful, with the US audiences finding the sacrilegious content of his act more difficult to stomach.His superb storytelling ability ensured that he remained on TV screens until recent years. Between 1981 and 1990, he made two series, simply entitled Dave Allen, for the BBC, and one for ITV in 1993-94. His use of a swear word on air in 1990 prompted the BBC to issue a public apology and MPs to ask questions about him in the Commons. Allen, who is survived by his wife and three children, spent recent years in semi-retirement.

DAVE ALLEN GIVES UP SMOKING

2010-06-01T00:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever given up smoking?

I have, 40 years ago and it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life - but I made it.
Nicotine is a powerful drug and apparently almost as difficult as heroine to stop taking.
I was a 40 cigarette a day man and was an total addict. Several of us at work were trying to stop so 6 of us were resolved one day to actually try to 'kick the nasty habit', after all if God had intended us to smoke he would have put chimneys on our heads wouldn't he? It was about this time I started long distance running. I was a fair distance runner at school and it was a delight to start again. My times over a six mile run reduced significantly and I became quite fit with a pulse rate at rest of just 47 beats per minute. You might say I was Puffed Out!!

On the day in question all six of us placed our names on a sheet of paper in the printing room and after each day we filled in a little square which we continued to do after each day. The Publications Manager was a complete flop - he lasted just 20 minutes. Various other people sneaked off the the toilets with increasing frequency for a quiet and crafty 'drag' but after a week three of us kept going. We bolstered ourselves by adding on our no smoking corner anti - smoking notices. At the time there was an advertisement, "People think the world of Lambert and Butler". I modified this to read, "Funeral Directors think the world of Lambert and Butler".

It was difficult for 6 months and even up to a year I could easily have started again. When I stopped the cost was 3s 6p (old money) which equates to 17.5 new pence for 20. Now they are £5 per 20. That is over 28 times as much - I must have saved a small fortune.

All this leads to our old friend Dave Allen and his attempts to stop the evil habit. Enjoy!

DAVE ALLEN talks AIRPLANES

2010-05-31T23:00:00.000-07:00

Found this U Tube of Dave Allen - one of my favourite comedians.
Might amuse a few of you LOL

Dave Allen - The Late Irish Comedian

2010-05-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

I wonder if you have heard of Dave Allen in the States. He had a very popular weekly show here in UK and had a TV audience in the millions, just like Dick Emery and Benny Hill and before them Tony Hancock.

David Allen's real name was Tynan O'Mahoney (6 July 1936 – 10 March 2005). His career had a major resurgence during the late 1980s and early 1990s. Allen's act was typified by his relaxed, rueful and intimate style; he would sit on a high bar stool facing his audience, smoking and occasionally sipping from a glass of what he always allowed people to assume was whiskey, but in fact was merely ginger ale with ice. Literally and metaphorically, he was a sober-minded man who, though sometimes appearing crotchety and irritable on stage, gave off an air of serene melancholy in real life. Each day he would pore over the newspapers, constantly scribbling notes and ideas which he expanded for his routines.

This YouTube sketch is typical of the many we enjoyed. He used tension a lot in his sketches and had us sitting on the edge of our seats.

Hope you enjoy.

Spring Sonata Beethoven

2010-05-18T12:35:00.000-07:00

Hi Folks - Spring is almost over and Summer beckons.

I always love this time because it really does put a spring in my step - especially now I have a new hip. I do like it warm and perhaps I am a sunshine boy!

At about this time I am always reminded of Beethoven's Spring Sonata for Violin and Piano.
Here is the entire work in all four wonderful movements, but the first movement is the most well known. It's a bit lengthy but beautiful and of course it is played by Anne Sophie Mutter on violin. The pianist is Lambert Orkis who the pianist is but he is brilliant too. The whole of the sonata is fantastic - all four movements.

Hope you liked it.

The Big Bopper, Ritchie Valence and Buddy Holly

2010-05-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

Who remembers the Big Bopper?

"What is that song he sang? It's on the tip of my tongue!", you might be saying.

Come on! Have a think!

Yes, Chantilly Lace and here it is!

You know I used to sing this and knew every word - got everyone's feet tapping in the days when my hips were in mint condition! LOL

But there was tragedy around that time in 1959

I did not know Ritchie Valence very well but I just loved Buddy Holly. I had ocassion to send the URL of Maybe Baby to a great friend today and this inspired me to write this post.
Here is my favourite song by Buddy, True Love Ways. Enjoy.

Isn't it sad that these three plus the pilot were all killed in the plane crash?
Come to think of it a lot of singers have been killed in plane crashes. You may know more but here are five more I can think of - I know there are more:

Ricky Nelson
Jim Reeves
Patsy Cline
Otis Redding
Aaliyah
Jim Denver (I think)

Yet More Dick Emery Laughs

2010-05-03T20:00:00.000-07:00

Dick Emery Seaside Sketches

I've found a gold mine of these Dick Emery clips. I think he was definitely the funniest comedian on British Television and I shall be buying some available DVDs soon.

Meanwhile enjoy this one about the seaside 'carryings on' LOL

Hope you enjoy!

You are probably saying of me, "Oh! he is awful! But we like him" LOL

Another Great Dick Emery Video

2010-05-01T21:30:00.000-07:00

Thinking of you particularly, Jackie!!
I know you like these. Here is the vicar for you - well it is Sunday tomorrow!! LOL
But it is great to welcome everyone. Hey folks! Be careful what you say - he is very sensitive on certain words. Hope you all enjoy it. Golly! he gets through a lot of crockery, doesn't he?

Jackie - inspired by your nice blue top I was trying earlier to find Stanley Holloway singing "A dark Girl Dressed In Blue!" Alas there is no Youtube but I found an MP3 version which I will have ready soon I hope.

And here is part of an interview when Michael Parkinson interviewed Dick - very funny!

I am rather quiet in blogland at present - I have a lot on and cannot devote much time to it for now.

Hugs to all!

Now Goodness Gracious Me - Bangers And Mash Please!

2010-04-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

Boy have I got a treat for you today!

My heart throb lady is there, Sophia Loren, whom I loved so much when I was a young buck. She was not actually the most beautiful lady on the planet but she was certainly the most attractive and turned every head in every room she entered which reflected the charisma she had. Today she is 76 and the same age as Joan Collins, and even now they can both turn heads. I saw Joan Collins on the TV recently being interviewed by Piers Morgan, who will be taking over The Sunday Roast quite soon, and she was fabulous.

The male treat I have for you is one of my favourite comedians who died quite young. He married a film star, Britt Ekland whom I also liked. (No wonder the poor chap had a heart attack with all these attractive ladies around him)

Peter Sellers was one of the famous goons and he was glorious as Inspector Clouseau in The Pink Panther movies. I still maintain the best Panther movie was his first with David Niven, who should have been the star of the film, but Peter Sellers stole the show with his brilliance.

Peter Sellers teamed up with Sophia Loren to make a famous film and two hit recordings. I have found two YouTube Clips of both hits they made together.

First is Give Us A Hash At The Bangers And Mash and you know it could almost be Eddie Bluelights and Lola singing LOL - but shhh I don't want to make Marguerite jealous LOL!

And of course the other is from their famous film, Goodness Gracious Me.

I thought at one stage she was going to say to him, "Oh you are awful - but I like you!"

Father Of The Bride Speech - Rowan Atkinson

2010-04-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

I hope I never have to make a speech like this! LOL

Sorry, daughter I know I won't!

Isn't it glorious? LOL

Dick Emery Driving Test Centre Sketch

2010-04-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

Dick Emery was a great British comedian and as a boy my family always watched the Dick Emery show every week.

I stumbled across this hilarious YouTube of his Driving Test Centre sketch in which he uses all his main characters. I like the vicar with the false teeth and the lady who says, "Oh you are awful - but I like you!" I found it a hoot.

Hope you enjoyed it.

By popular demand of one 'invisible lady' viewing this post who allegedly had a laughing fit and was reduced to tears and unable to comment I am adding another Youtube dealing with what some of the characters would do on bank holidays. This features another British comedienne, Pat Coombs who appears in the lengthy last scene and next door neighbour to the lady who swapped the hanging baskets.

Hope you enjoyed that one - plenty more where that came from LOL.

Oh shall I treat you to one more? Oh go on then - the milkman - we used to have door to door delivery before the advent of supermarkets and hypermarkets. I am told there were some naughty goings on as well - wouldn't know for sure I was only a lad!! LOL

Somehow I can hear you all saying, "Oh! You ARE awful! But I like you!! LOL
Now get on with your work!! LOL

Riverdance Beckons

2010-03-21T17:00:00.000-07:00

Thinking of taking up Irish Tap Dancing now I have a new hip LOL
Do you think I'm up to it? Do you think the hip is up to it after just 5 weeks?
How the heck do they move their legs so quickly - and ALL in unison?

Looking for a partner - anyone interested?

Move over Michael Flatley!!

Seriously, came across the You Tube yesterday and reminded me of when I used to marvel at the dancing. The finale is superb.

I bet none of these dancers have leg circulation problems nor varacose veins!

This You Tube has a few other great takes on it.

The Oldest Swinger In Town

2010-03-11T23:45:00.000-08:00

So you think I'm the oldest swinger in town, eh!!
Well I've got one thing to say to you - read the T shirt!!! LOL
OK - I suppose now I have an artificial hip you might be tempted to say, "This chap's walking around with very little he started out with!"

No, this well loved song was a great hit and sung by a local entertainer, near Bristol. He reached number six in the UK hit parade in 1981. The man who wrote it and performed it was Fred Wedlock, a much loved fellow from the Bristol area. Sadly he died this week aged 67 after a heart attack following pneumonia.

His funeral is today, Monday 16 March in a beautiful church, St Mary Redcliffe, near the center of Bristol at 13.30hrs. It is expected the church will be packed with family, fans and friends. His daughter, Hannah Wedlock sings Jazz throughout the South West and is a highly accomplished performer.

I still find Fred's rendition of this favourite song highly amusing.

Anyone For A Mozart Turkish Rondo?

2010-02-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

What!! Four Hands Playing A Guitar!!

This is absolutely brilliant.
My mother used to play this well on a piano but this is something else.

I think Mozart would have been highly amused and probably quite impressed.

Words Don't Come Easy To Me

2010-02-01T12:12:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone. I thought you might like a look see another photograph of Maggie and I when we were little, again seated on the deckchair. Then as you are all so nice I think I ought to sing you a song called, Words Don't Come Easy".

This could be every bloggers song because words don't always come easy, although on my last post at Clouds And Silvery Linings I used a fair few trying to explain the antics of Freddie Bluelights with his lecture on why women can multi-task better than us menfolk, see HERE.
Don't believe a word of it - I have a picture of an ancient monk transcribing biblical manuscripts. Unbelievably he has a pen in each hand and he is writing different things neatly all at the same time. Now that's what I call multi-tasking LOL.

Anyway this song is just for you - I heard it on the radio today and made a beeline to find a suitable YouTube rendition, and here it is . I have always loved this song.
So this is just for you from Eddie Blue Eyes.

Bread - Blooming Brilliant

2010-01-17T10:00:00.000-08:00

I was looking for some guitar music which might interest my son who is teaching himself to play the acoustic and electric guitar. Then I remembered BREAD and David Gates from all those years ago. As soon as I played them my son loved them all too.

All three songs moved me intensely 30 years ago and believe it or not, they still do today.

The first, DIARY, is a delightful song about a young man reading a young lady's diary (naughty boy) and jumping to the wrong conclusion. Haven't we all done this from time to time? Not read ladies diaries but jumped to the wrong conclusion.

Next is a great song, LOST WITHOUT YOUR LOVE

Next is another famous BREAD song, EVERYTHING I OWN

Of course I could have mentioned many more hits like IF and others.

I hope you ladies had your handkerchiefs with you.

What a big old softy Mr Bluelights is!!

Can You Do This Crossword?

2010-01-02T10:30:00.000-08:00

At last I have found a crossword I can complete!

It is fitting this is posted on Plato's site - he would be impressed - so would Socrates!

Oh look! My old mate Spike compiled it!

One of his best known gags was from the Goon Show when he held up a scull in front of his fellow goons saying, "This scull is 200,000 years old!"

They all sang, "Happy Birthday to you!"

Did you know that Spike left these immortal words on his grave headstone as his epitaph?

I TOLD YOU THERE WAS

SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME

Fawlty Towers The Kipper and the Corpse

2009-12-28T11:30:00.000-08:00

I am posting some favourite comedy shows. Perhaps some of my American friends may not know these in which case they are in for a real treat.
All twelve episodes are from the highly acclaimed Fawlty Towers series, the first of which we affectionately nicknamed "The Dead Body" but its correct title is The Kipper And The Corpse. I love this series so much I could almost recite all twelve episodes off by heart. I had three bites of the cherry. When the series first appeared we had Basil Fawlty TV parties, when my daughter was young and she loved them and finally when my son was introduced to them with equal enthusiasm.

Play this for the first part

Then play this for the second part

Then play this for the final part

Hope you enjoyed them

Mr Bean - Getting up late for the dentist

2009-12-27T20:00:00.000-08:00

Do we all know Mr Bean?

I saw this hilarious post of Rowan Atkinson playing Mr Bean when he overslept for a dental appointment. He left himself no time at all to get ready and he had to get dressed whilst driving his Mini car.

Rod Stewart is singing about Maggie May again

2009-12-15T16:58:00.000-08:00

Rod Stewart Is Fabulous And I Never Realised It

I saw an ITV Concert recently when Rod Stewart did a one night only performance.
It blew me away - never before did I even consider him to listen to his music. He is a born showman and performer and as a rock singer is fabulous. I was rivetted to the TV and I am a classical music man!

Could not record it but I found this famous performance in the Albert Hall 2004 of him singing Maggie May with his mate Ronnie Woods, lead guitarist of the Rolling Stones.

Obviously my sister must have made an impression on him in her distant past.

Janine and Eddie Play "The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba"

2009-09-07T10:02:00.000-07:00

How about this then!!

Aren't they clever?
To return to the Roast post on Clouds and Sivery Linings please press HERE

St George and The Dragon

2009-07-21T14:54:00.000-07:00

ST GEORGE AND THE DRAGON
by R.P.Weston and Bert Lee (1935)

Photo - Eddie Bluelights - June 2009

Some folks'll boast of their family trees,
And there's some trees they ought to lop;
But our family tree, believe me, goes right back;
You can see monkeys sitting on top.

To give you some idea of our family tree,
And don't think I'm boastin' or braggin',
My great, great, great, great, great, great, great Uncle George,
Were the Saint George who slaughtered the dragon.

Aye, he were a blacksmith, not one of the sort
Who shoe horses and sing anvil choruses,
He used to shoe 'Dinasauss' - big woolly Elephants,
And thumping great Brontosauruses.

Well, one day while he shod a Brontasaurus,
A 'feller' ran into a forge,
He were shivering with fright and his face pale and white,
And when he got his breath he said, "George

"Eh, I've seen a dragon, a whopping great dragon,"
And uncle said, "Seen what ? - A dragon ?
Thou'd best see a doctor, you've got 'em owld lad,
Eh, I thought you were on water wagon!"

But the fellow said, "Nay, 'twere a big fiery dragon,
‘Twere belchin' out fire as it run!"
And Uncle George said, "I could do with a dragon
With coal now at two quid a ton."

And the 'feller' said, "Eh, but what's more
I've just heard that the old Baron up at the Castle
Says, him as kills Dragon can marry his daughter,
She's lovely and she's worth a parcel."

Then fellow goes off and old Uncle George thinks,
Of the brass and the bride in old satin,
So he brings out his pup and a pair of his ferrets,
And says to 'em, "We're going ratting."

The ferrets they cocked up their noses with joy,
And the old Bull pup's tail kept a-waggin',
Then Uncle George shoves 'em aside rabbit hole,
And says to 'em, "Go on, fetch Dragon."

Then suddenly he smells a 'sulphury' smell,
Then he sees a big gigantic lizzard,
With smoke coming out of its eyes and its ear'oles,
And flames coming out of its gizzard.

And was George afraid ? - Yes he was and he run,
And he hid there in one of the ditches,
While the Dragon, the pig, ate his ferrets and pup,
Aye, best of his prize-winning er - she dogs.

Then George said, "Gad zooks! I'll split thee to the wizzen,
By gum, but he were in a fury,
And he runs to a junk shop, and buys a spear,
And he pinches a Drayhourse from Brew'ry.

Then he sallies forth with a teatray on chest,
On his head he'd a big copper kettle,
With a couple of flat irons to throw at the Dragon,
Owd George were a real man of mettle!

At last he meets Dragon beside of the pump,
Dragon sees him and breathes fire and slaughter,
But George he were ready and in Dragon's mouth,
He just throws a big pail of water!

The Dragon's breath sizzled he'd put out the fire,
Our family are all clever fellows!
Then so as that owd Dragon can't blow up more fire,
With his big spear he punctures his bellows.

Then finding he'd killed it he out with his knife,
He had gumption beside other merits -
And he cuts open Dragon, and under its vest,
Safe and sound are the pup and the ferrets.

That night Old Baron gave Uncle his bride,
When he saw her he fainted with horror,
She'd a face like a kite, worse than that the Old Baron
Said, "George, you'll be Saint George tomorrow."

'Course, as St George t'were no drinking nor smoking,
They barred him horse racing as well,
And poor old St George, when he looked at his Bride,
Used to wish that old Dragon to ... Blazes!

And he got so fed up with being a Saint,
And the Princess he'd won always naggin',
That he bunked off one day and he opened a pub,
And he called it the 'George and the Dragon'.

And he did a fine trade, eh, for years and for years.
People all came from near and from far there
Just to see Uncle George and the Dragon which he had had,
Stuffed and hung up in the bar there.

'Twere a thousand feet long and three hundred feet wide,
But one day when a big crowd observed it,
It fell off the nail and squashed Uncle George,
And the blinking old liar deserved it.

Brahn Boots

2009-07-11T00:16:00.000-07:00

We have almost completed Stanley Holloway's monologues - Albert and Sam certainly. There remain some miscellaneous one including something a bit different. I tried to obtain from the net a utube of Stanley performing a very famous classic called Brahn Boots in which he speaks in a broad Cockney accent. For those who do not know what this is, it is simply those who are born within the sound of Bow Bells in the heart of London. It is there great classic phrases originate like trouble and strife = wife, Play the Joana = play the piano, apples and pears = stairs, Adam and Steve = believe, butcher's hook = look, Ruby Murray = curry. It's almost another language sometimes. There is a popular TV 'soap' running here called East Enders - that's another name for it. Now after that little flavouring here is a very touching little monologue about a funeral, Brahn Boots.

BRAHN BOOTS
by R.P.Weston and Bert Lee (1940)

Our Aunt Hannah's passed away,
We'd her funeral today,
And it was a posh affair -
Had to have two p'licemen there!

The 'earse was luv'ly, all plate glass,
And what a 'corfin' - oak and brass!
We'd 'fah-sands' weepin', flahers galore,
But Jim, our cousin - what d'yer fink
'e wore ?

Why Brahn boots! - I ask yer - brahn boots!
Fancy comin' to a funeral in brahn boots!
I will admit 'e 'ad a nice black tie,
Black finger nails and a nice black eye;

But yer can't see people orf then they die in brahn boots!
And Aunt 'ad been so very good to 'im,
Done all that any muvver could fer 'im,
And Jim, her son, to show his clars

Rolls in to make it all a farce
In brahn boots! - I ask yer - brahn boots!
While all the rest
Wore decent black and mourning suits.

I'll own he didn't seem so gay,
In fact he cried best part the way,
But straight, he reg'lar spoilt our day
Wiv 'is brahn boots.

In the graveyard we left Jim,
None of us said much to him,
Yus, we all give 'im the bird,
Then by accident we 'eard

'E'd given 'is black boots to Jim Small,
A bloke wot 'ad no boots at all,
So p'raps Aunt Hannah doesn't mind;
She did like people who was good and kind.

But brahn boots! - I ask yer - brahn boots!
Fancy coming to a funeral in brahn boots!
And we could 'ear the neighbours all remark,
"Wot, 'im chief mourner ? Wot a bloomin' lark!

"Why 'e looks more like a Bookmaker's Clerk - in brahn boots!"
That's why we 'ad to be so rude to 'im,
That's why we never said, "Ow do!" to 'im,
We didn't know - he didn't say.

He'd give 'is other boots away.
But brahn boots! - I ask yer - brahn boots!
While all the rest
Wore decent black and mourning suits!

But some day up at Heaven's gate
Poor Jim, all nerves, will stand and wait
'Til an angel whispers, "Come in, Mate,
Where's yer brahn boots ?"

The Beefeater

2009-07-06T13:57:00.000-07:00

I am very pleased some of you are finding these super Stanley Holloway Monologues interesting. I am reaching the end of these soon and when finished I will add a title page with appropriate links. I note also I have a few new followers on this site and I shall be visiting you in due course - please note, though my main blog is Clouds and Silvery Linings and there is always a hot cup of soup or coffee there.

THE BEEFEATER
by R.P.Weston and Bert Lee (1934)

Introductory Narrative

Oh dear, starting another day I suppose,
Showing these 'ere gumps round the Tower.
Still it's got to be done,
Someone's got to do it.

Good Morning! What's that ?
Will I show you round t'Tower, Sir ?
You're from Yorkshire, Sir ?
Ba goom! The world's small.

I'm from Yorkshire 'meself'- aye;
These 'ere Cockneys don't know
There's a Tower 'ere at all.
First of all, Sir, we come the the canteen

Where you wash the cobwebs off your chest.
That's our motto there -
" Honi soit, qui mall y pense.
And in Yorkshire that means, 'Beer is best.'

Eh ? I'll 'ave a pint, Sir, and thank yer,
You'll find it good ale 'ere to sup.
Well, as Guy Fawlkes said when 'e got bunged in dungeon,
And tumbled 'ead first, "Bottoms Up!"

That big 'ole outside is the moat, Sir,
And they do say if ever John Bull
Sells the Tower for a road house with cracks puttied up -
It'll make a damn fine swimming pool.

And now, Sir, we come to the armoury;
Here's the tin pants of Dick Coeur de Lion.
Just imagine the job that his old woman 'ad
Putting patches on with soldering iron.

Here's the shirt of chainmail Black Prince wore -
To starch and iron that were real tricky:
It took three boilermakers to put on his shirt,
And a blacksmith to put on his dicky.

And the 'ere's the real headsman's block, Sir,
From this many 'eads fell with a thud -
Ee! To keep these 'ere stains fresh all these three hundred years
We've used buckets and buckets of blood.

'Ere's the axe - that's the genuine axe, Sir,
That's given Royal necks some 'ard whacks.
True it's 'ad new 'andle and perhaps a new 'ead,
But it's a real old original axe.

And down here's where Princes were murdered,
Aye, strangled poor kids in cold blood.
And what's worse, down here I tossed Scotsman for shilling -
I won, but the shilling was dud.

And here's where they tortured the prisoners -
On that rack when they wouldn't confess.
They were crushed 'til their life's blood ran drip, drip, drip.
Feeling faint, Sir ? Well, here's t'Sergeant's Mess.

Eh ? Oh, thank you. I will have a pint, Sir,
For talking's dry work. Bet your life!
But when I show you ducking stool they had for women,
By Goom, you'll wish you'd brought the wife.

And why do they call us Beefeaters ?
Is it 'cos we eat beef, Sir ? Nay, nay.
The Sergeant eats pork and the Corporal eats bacon,
But I eat tripe three times a day.

And so you shall know we're Beefeaters:
There's me who has fought in the wars
'As to walk round with frills on me neck like a hambone,
A daft hat and purple plus fours.

But here's why they call us Beefeaters,
King Alfred, one night so they say
Fell over the feet of the Sentry
And shouted, "Oi! Keep your B-feet out of the way!

Jonah And The Grampus

2009-06-30T15:32:00.000-07:00

Last night was the last Sam story, regrettably.
However there are some miscellaneous ones left including this favorite.

JONAH AND THE GRAMPUS
by Marriott Edgar (1937)

I'll tell you the story of Jonah,
A really remarkable tale;
A peaceful and 'umdrum existence 'e 'ad,
Until one day 'e went for a sail.

The weather were fine when 'e started,
But later at turn of the tide,
The wind started blowing, the water got rough,
And Jonah felt funny inside.

When t'ship started pitching and tossing,
Jo' tried hard 'is feelings to smother,
At last 'e just 'ung 'is 'ead over the side.
And one thing seemed to bring up another.

When sailors saw what 'e were doing,
It gave them a bit of a jar;
They liked to see trippers enjoying theirselves,
But thought this 'ere were going too far.

Said one, "Is there nowt we can think on,
To stop you from feelin' so bad ?"
And Jonah said, "Aye, lift me over the side
And chuck me in, there's a good lad."

The sailor 'e weren't one to argue,
'E said, "Happen you know what's best."
So 'e picked Jo' up by the seat of 'is pants,
And chucked 'im in, as per request.

A Grampus came up at that moment,
And seeing as Jo' were 'ard set,
It swam alongside 'im and open'd its mouth,
And said, "Come in, lad, out of the wet."

Its manner were kindly and pleading,
As if to say R.S.V.P."
Said Jonah, "I've eaten a kipper or two,
But I never thought one would eat me."

The inside of Grampus surprised 'im,
'Twere the first time 'e'd been behind scenes;
'E found 'commodation quite ample for one
Though it smelled like a tin of sardines.

They went cruising over the water,
And Jonah were filled with delight;
With 'is eye to the blow-'ole in t'Grampus's 'ead,
‘E watched ships that passed in the night.

"I'm weary of watching," said Jonah,
"I'll rest for a minute or so."
"I'm afraid as you won't find your bed very soft,"
Said the Grampus - "I've got a hard roe."

A whale-boat came up at that moment,
Said Jonah, "What's this 'ere we've
struck ?"
"They're after my blubber," the Grampus replied,
"You'd best 'old tight while I duck."

The water came in through the blow-'ole
And caught Jonah's face a real slosher.
'E said, "Shut your blow-'ole!" and Grampus replied,
"I can't, lad - it wants a new washer."

Jo' tried 'ard to bale out the water,
But found that 'is take were in vain,
For as fast as 'e emptied slops out through the gills
They came in through the blow-'ole again.

When at last they came to the surface,
Jo' was reading 'is accident policy;
'E put down 'is reading and took a look out
And found they was grounded off Wallassey.

Said Grampus, "We're in shallow water,
I've brought you as far as I may;
If you sit on the blow-'ole on the top of my 'ead
I'll spout you the rest of the way."

So Jonah obeyed these instructions,
And the Grampus 'is lungs did expand,
Then blew out fountain which lifted Jo' up
And carried 'im safely to land.

There were tears in their eyes when they parted,
And each blew a kiss, a real big 'un.
Then t'Grampus went off with the swish of 'is tail,
And Jonah walked back home to Wigan.

Sam Goes To It

2009-06-29T12:18:00.000-07:00

Old Sam is very annoyed in WW2 when his allotment gets bombed by the Germans and so he promptly enlists to join his old regiment - or he trys to - such is the spirit of a Lancastrian.

SAM GOES TO IT
by Marriott Edgar (1941)

Sam Small had retired from the Army
In the old Duke of Wellington's time,
So when present unpleasantness started
He were what you might call past his prime.

He'd lived for some years in retirement
And knew nowt of the war, if you please,
'Til they blasted and bombed his allotment,
And shelled the best part of his peas.

'Twere as if bugles called Sam to duty
For his musket he started to search;
He found it at last in the hen house
Buff Orpingtons had it for t'perch.

Straight off to the 'Fusilier's' depot
He went to rejoin his old troop -
Where he found as they couldn't recruit him
Until all his age group was called up.

Now Sam wasn't getting no younger,
Past the three score and ten mark was he,
And they reckoned by t'time they reached his group
He'd be very near ten score and three.

So he took up the matter with Churchill
Who said, I don't know what to do,
Never was there a time when so many
Came asking so much of so few."

"I don't want no favours," Sam answered,
"Don't think as I'm one of that mob.
All I'm asking is give me the tools, lad,
And let me 'elp finish the job."

"I'll fit you in somewhere," said Winnie,
"Old Soldiers we must not discard."
Then seeing he'd got his own musket
He sent him to join the Home Guard.

They gave Sam a coat with no stripes on,
In spite of the service he'd seen
Which considering he'd been a King's Sergeant
Kind of rankled - you see what I mean ?

He said, "I come back to the Army
Expecting my country's thanks,
And the first thing I find when I get here
Is that I've been reduced to the ranks."

He found all the lads sympathetic,
They agreed that it were a disgrace,
Except one old chap in the corner
With a nutcracker kind of a face.

Said the old 'feller', "Who do you you think you are ?
The last to appear on the scene,
And you start off by wanting promotion;
Last come, last served - see what I mean ?"

Said Sam, "Wasn't I at Corunna,
And when Company Commander got shot,
Didn't I lead battalion to victory ?"
Said the old fella, "No, you did not."

"I didn't ? said Sam quite idignent,
"Why, in every fight Wellington fought
Wasn't I at his right hand to guard him ?"
Said old chap, "You were nowt of the sort."

"What do you know of Duke and his
battles ?"
Said Sam with a withering look.
Said the old man, "I ought to know something,
Between you and me, I'm the Duke."

And if you should look in any evening,
You'll find them both in the canteen,
Ex Commander-in-Chief and ex Sergeant
Both just Home Guards - you see what I mean ?"

Sam's Christmas Pudding

2009-06-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

OLD SAM'S CHRISTMAS PUDDING
by Marriott Edgar (1939)

It was Christmas Day in the trenches
In Spain in Penninsular War,
And Sam Small were cleaning his musket
A thing as he ne'er done before.

They'd had 'em inspected that morning,
And Sam had got into disgrace,
For when Sergeant had looked down the barrel
A sparrow flew out in his face.

The Sergeant reported the matter
To Leiutenant Bird then and there.
Said Leiutenant, "How jolly disgusting,
The Duke must be told of this 'ere."

The Duke were upset when he heard it,
He said, "I'm astonished, I am.
I must make a most drastic example;
There'll be no Christmas pudding for Sam."

When Sam were informed of his sentence,
Surprise rooted him on the spot -
'Twere much worse than he expected,
'E thought as 'e'd only be shot.

And so 'e sat cleaning his musket,
And polishing barrel and butt,
Whilst the pudding 'is mother had sent 'im
Lay there in the mud, at 'is foot.

Now the centre of Sam's lot were holding
Ran around a place called Badajoz
Where the Spaniards had put up a bastion
And ooh what a bastion it was!

They pounded away all the morning
With canister, grape shot and ball,
But the face of the bastion defied them
They made no impression at all.

They started again after dinner
Bombarding as hard as they could;
And the Duke brought his own private cannon
But that weren't a ha'pence o' good.

The Duke said, "Sam, put down thy musket
And help me to lay this gun true."
Sam answered, "You'd best ask your favours
From them as you give pudding to."

The Duke looked at Sam so reproachful,
"And don't take it that way," said he,
"Us Generals have got to be ruthless,
It hurts me more than it did thee."

Sam sniffed at these words kind of sceptic,
Then looked down at the Duke's private gun
And said, "We'd best put in two charges,
We'll never bust bastion with one."

He tipped cannon ball out of muzzle,
He took out the wadding and all,
He filled barrel chock full of powder.
Then picked up and replaced the ball.

He took a good aim at the bastion
Then said, "Right-o, Duke, let her fly."
The cannon nigh jumped off her trunnions
And up went the bastion, sky high.

The Duke he weren't 'alf elated,
He danced round the trench full of glee
And said, "Sam, for this gallant action
You can hot up your pudding for tea."

Sam looked round to pick up his pudding,
But it wasn't there, nowhere about.
In the place where he thought he had left it
Lay the cannon ball he'd just tipped out.

Sam saw in a flash what 'ad happened:
By an unprecedented mishap
The pudding his mother had sent him
Had blown Badajoz off the map.

That's why 'Fusilliers' wear to this moment
A badge which they think's a grenade,
But they're wrong - its a brass reproduction
Of the pudding Sam's mother once made.

Sam Drummed Out

2009-06-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

SAM DRUMMED OUT
by R.P. Weston and Bert Lee (1935)

When a lad's been drummed out of the Army,
He's an outcast despised by all men;
I'd rather be shot at dawn any old time
'Cause I never get up before ten.

Once I was drummed out, tho' today I'm a hero
With all that a soldier could wish.
Ay, once poor old Sam stood before a Court Martial
With head bowed in shame and anguish.

And the old Colonel said, when he 'eard the charge read,
"It's a terrible crime, Sam," said he,
And the whisper went round, "Has old Sam
Been a traitor to 'is King and 'is 'count-ar-ar-y' ?"

“Nay, nay, I was charged with a crime worse than that,
Far more dastardly wicked and mean.
I were charged with maliciously putting cold water
In beer, in the Sergeant's canteen.

And the Colonel's voice shook and he swallowed a lump
And he said, "Nay, nay, come, come, ee dear, dear,
Good beer is the life-blood of our glorious Army,
Our battles was all won on beer.

"What have you got to say to this terrible charge ?"
I said, "Nowt."
He said, "Nowt ?"
I said, "Nowt."

He said, "Can't you say owt but nowt ?"
I said, "No, nowt."
"Well," he said, "Sam,
Then you'll be drummed out."

Next morning the Company lined on Parade
I stood to attention, quite stiff;
Then the Sergeant stepped forward and knocked off my pillbox
And worse - he untidied me quiff.

Then he pulled out his sword and cut off me coat buttons
Them buttons fell 'clink' on the floor;
But when he began on my trousers I said,
"Don't lower me prestige any more."

The he pulled off me medals, me twenty-five medals
I'd won out in different parts.
But I said to him, "Oi, give me two of them back,
'Cause I won them there two playing darts."

Then the drums and the pipes played the Rogues March
And the Colonel he sobbed and said, "Sam,
You're no longer a Soldier, I'm sorry to say
Sam, Sam, you're a dirty old man."

And soon I was outside the old barrack gates
With the tears rolling down me face;
Then up rode the Colonel's young daughter, God bless her,
The pride of the Regiment, our Grace.

She said, "What's to do, Sam ?"
I said, "What's to do ? I'm drummed out lass for watering beer."
Then she fell off her 'orse, threw her arms round me kneck
And said, "Sam, you poor innocent dear."

Then she rushed to her father, the Colonel, and said,
"Say, Papa, I'll hand you the dope.
Poor Sam here is innocent, I did the deed;
I was told to by my Band of Hope."

Then the Colonel said, "Corporal Sam, please come back."
I said , "Nay, nay, I've just been drummed out."
Then the Colonel said, "Sergeant Sam, Sergeant Sam, please."
I just shrugged and said, "Nowt doing, nowt."

He said, "Lieutenant Sam, come forgive and forget."
But I stamped and I said, "Nay, nay, begone."
Then he said, "Captain Sam." I said, "Captain, tut tut;
Make it Major and then I'll clock on."

And that's how I won me Commission, me lads,
A commission I think I well earned -
10 per cent on the beer, 10 per cent on the stout,
And the pennies on bottles returned.

And the Regiment gave me a tankard, inscribed
With these words which I'm proud of, I am,
'Presented by First Lancashire 'Fusilliers'
To their champion liar, Old Sam.'

OLD SAM'S PARTY

2009-06-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

Several friends have asked if I have a book of Stanley Holloway Monologues - the answer is 'yes' and a couple of years ago I keyed them all into my word processor - I knew most of them anyway. I would be pleased to provide details of the book if requested. Oh! and Bernie please note the accent is Northern England, Lancashire, and not Cockney, for all the Sam Small and Albert stories, although Stanley does some in Cockney, namely 'Braun Boots' which I will cover in due course.

OLD SAM'S PARTY
by M. Hogan and Mabel Constanduros (1933)

Sam Small, though approaching his sixtieth year
Were feeling all brisk-like and hearty,
So he sent out an invite when Christmas drew near
And asked all his friends to a party.

There was old ale and sandwiches, beef and cold tongue,
And trifle with gooseberry jam,
And parkin and humbugs, a couple of ducks,
And lovely great platefuls of ham.

Sam's Captain were there from his old Army days,
A man for his strictness renowned,
And Lieutenant Bird and the Sergeant, the same
Who once knocked Sam's musket on t'ground.

They were shy like at first for the Captain was glum,
And Lieutenant Bird a bit coy,
Then two masters arrived from the school at Runcorn,
Where Sam used to go as a boy.

The junior tutor, a classy young man
In a very old mortar board 'at,
Walked up to the ale with 'is eyes bulging out
And said, "I'd like a basin of that."

The language professor he said with a bow,
"Bon Noel" and sat down on a bench,
"Fait il froid par demi," he went on, Sam explained,
"He means weather's fair ruddy," he's French.

Then Lieutenant Bird volunteered for a song,
Accompanied by Sergeant McNally,
"Of all the girls that are so smart
There's non like pretty Sally."

Then t'Captain jumped up, said he'd not be outdone,
He played for himself with one finger.
There were tears in all eyes as he'd finished the song;
He was a magnificent singer.

He'd start a bit husky, but nothing to last,
His voice cleared up fine when he'd coughed:
"Faithful below, Tom did his duty,
But now he's gone aloft, but now he's gone aloft."

As 'is last trembling note died away in a gulp,
Came a clatter of hoofs from outside.
Sam pulled back the blind and flushed up to his ears,
"It's the Duke!" he announced with much pride.

And it were - up 'e rode on 'is lovely white horse.
Sam faltered, "Why, Duke, is it you ?
And thee with lumbago, and snow on the ground.
I take it most kind, that I do."

"Gradely, lad," said the Duke, condescending and kind.
"By Gum, but how well you do look.
This room's a bit stuffy and hot. Do you mind
If I hang up me coat on this hook ?"

Then a thunderous banging was heard on the door,
And t'bell gave furious ring.
They all turned quite pale as a voice from outside
Cried, "Open, in t'name of the King."

Sam op'ned the door. There 'e stood, George the Fourth,
A model of beauty and grace.
His crown on 'is head and sceptre in 'and,
And behind him stood Queen with the mace.

"Thee told us," said King, "when we come up thy way
To call and take pot luck with thee.
And seeing we're up for the cup-tie tha' knows
The Queen and me's popped in to tea."

They hung up their crowns on the stand in the hall.
Sam paid off their cab, eighteen pence.
The Queen parked her mace in Sam's umbrella stand,
"Reet," she said, "Now let party commence."

Well things was a bit rigid-like just at first,
The room was fair 'thrutched up' with folks,
'Til Queen quite nonchalant unbuttoned one boot,
And King made some rather rude jokes.

The up jumped the Duke and said, "Let's 'ave a game,
Now what shall we play ? -Blind man's buff ?"
But Queen said, "I'd rather 'ave musical chairs,
It isn't so common and rough."

In the midst of the game two more people arrived,
It was Mister and Missus Ramsbottom.
When they saw King and Queen playing musical chairs,
They were struck dumb, as if you 'ad shot 'em.

For there sat the Queen and the Duke on one chair,
Fair pushing and shoving each other.
Mister Ramsbottom said, "Nay, we musn't intrude,
We're nobbut plain folk, me and Mother."

"Don't be shy," called the Queen, very friendly and kind,
"Come in now and take off thy hat.
Why you don't say you've left lttle Albert behind ?
A fine little fellow was that."

"What hasn't thou 'eard ?" Missus Ramsbottom searched
For a dry spot of 'hanky' to cry on.
"He went for the day to the Zoo at Blackpool,
And our Albert was 'ate' by a Lion."

"Eee Missus Ramsbottom," said Queen, "that is sad,
But thee got compensation, my dear ?"
"Not us," said the Ramsbottom's very irate,
"So we shan't go to Blackpool this year."

Well after they'd all had a drop of old ale
To give the proceedings a bite,
While Missus Ramsbottom retired with the Queen,
The Sergeant got up to recite.

"Friends, Romans and countrymen, lend me thy lug-holes."
He slowly and weightily said.
The 'e stuck for a bit, and knocked over 'is glass,
So they leant 'im some old ale instead.

The Duke then arose to deliver a speech,
The glass in 'is hand non too stable.
But what with lumbago, and what with old ale
He'd to grip pretty tight to the table.

"Why Sam, where's thy medal ? he suddenly cried,
And set his glass down with a slam.
"Thee won the V.C. King had medal for thee."
"I know he'd a medal," snapped Sam.

The Queen glanced at King, who had opened his mouth
Intending a moral to teach.
"Nay, nay, Georgy luv, shut thy face," said the Queen,
"And let Arthur get on with 'is speech."

They all clapped their 'ands and then sung out aloud,
Demanding a speech from their host.
And Sam, very bashful, said, "Well, I don't mind.
Fill t'glasses, I'll give thee a toast."

"Well friends, here's a health to all those that I love,
And a health to all those that love me.
A health to all those that love those that I love
And to those that love those that love me."

One Each APiece All Round

2009-06-23T17:19:00.000-07:00

ONE EACH APIECE ALL ROUND
by Stanley Holloway (1931)

Number two four six eight
Private Samuel Small
Were up before his Captain
To explain away a brawl.

The Captain said, "Now state yer case,
But please be short and brief,
Tell everything that happened
To the best of your belief."

"Well now," said Sam, "it's like this 'ere
Me and some other chaps
Had a little celebration
And a drink or two perhaps.

"It happened to be me birthday,
And on counting out I found
I'd got enough out of me pay
To have one each apiece all round.

"We drank 'em up, no heeltaps,
And then the same again,
'Here's a health unto his Majesty,'
We sang, 'Long may he reign.'

"With chorus after chorus
We made the walls resound,
And then to keep things going
We had one each apiece all round.

"It were nearly time for lights out
And getting rather late,
We had no money left for drinks
So we put 'em on the slate.

"Suddenly out went the lights
Without the slightest warning,
We all trooped out but not without
A bottle for the morning.

"Across the barrack square we went
As bold as any gentry.
It was a lark when in the dark
We come across a Sentry.

" 'Alt, who goes there ?' the Sentry cried,
We firmly stood our ground.
'It's only Sam,' I cried, 'and we've had
One each apiece all round,

" 'We've been drinking .... drinking .... drinking.'
We got into the barrack room and started to undress,
Just then the Sergeant came along,
Straight from the Sergeants' Mess.

"We shut the door, sat on the floor,
We never made a sound
And to finish up me birthday,
We had one each apiece all round."

"Well Private Small," said Captain,
"I shall have to punish thee;

For this grave misdemeanour,
You will get ten days C.B."

"Ten days C.B.," said Samuel,
"That's heavy I'll be bound."
Said Captain, "Split among your pals,
It's one each apiece all round."

BEAT THE RETREAT ON THY DRUM

2009-06-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

Back to Sam Small - here a drummer boy at Waterloo

It seems as though Stanley Holloway with his monologues is getting a bit of a following - very pleased about that. He deserves one!!

BEAT THE RETREAT ON THY DRUM
(Sam, Sam, Beat the Retreat)
by R.P. Weston and Bert Lee (1931)

I'm hundred and two today, by goom!
Eh, today, I'm a hundred and two,
And at ten years of age, I wor soldiering, a
I wor drummer boy at Waterloo.

And when Wellington said, "Sam, my lad, get
thy drum,"
I wor so mighty anxious to start
That I dashed in front and got captured by
French,
And were taken afore 'Boneyparte'.

And 'Boneyparte', scratching his-self under t'arm,
Like you see him in pictures today
Said, "Voila! so you are a drummer boy, oui ?
Then show me how well you can play."

"Sam, Sam! beat the Retreat! Beat the Retreat on thy drum,"
I said, "Beat the what ? - He said, "Beat the Retreat."
I said, "Nay, that's one thing as I'll never beat;

I'll beat ye the Charge, or I'll beat the Tattoo,
But I'm British and Yorkshire, ba goom!
And though you're Napoleon, I'll see thee blowed
If I'll beat the Retreat on my drum!"

Then scratching his-self under t'arm once again,
In the way 'Boneyparte' always did,
He said, "Sacre bloo!" which is French for "Ba goom",
"Eh, thou hast got a source for a kid."

Then he called Josephine (Josephine wor his Queen),
And he said, "Tell this lad, Josephine,
If he don't beat Retreat on his drum,
He'll be shot - aye and put under 'Guil-li-o-tine'."

So she put her arm round me, and stroking me 'air,
She whispered, "Hush, hush now - coom, coom!
Be a good lad - do as 'Boneyparte' tells thee,
And beat the Retreat on thy drum!"

I said, "Missus, nay!" - then she started to cry,
And she murmured, "Oh, lad, you are too sweet to die;
And hast thou a mother who loves thee ?" she sobbed.
I said, "Aye, and she's Yorkshire, ba goom!
And she'd beat the Retreat on me trousers
If I beat the Retreat on me drum!"

Then 'Boneyparte' scrarching his-self once again
Said, "My lad, I've a mother like her."
And taking his medals off with his two hands
And unpinning his gold Croix de Guerre

He put them on me, kissed me on both cheeks,
Then pulled me outside of the tent,
And leading me up to his Army,
And scratching his-elf under t'arm as he went,

"Soldiers of France," he cried,
"This is Sam Small, he's a hero though only a kid,
E-coutez, mes braves, et com-prenez toute suite!
What do you think this lad did ?"

"Beat the Retreat on thy drum! said I,
Beat the Retreat on thy drum!
And this lad refused, though I said he should die;
Why did he refuse ?" - I said, "I'll tell 'em why:

For two reasons I wouldn't beat the Retreat
Though I knew that it meant Kingdom come;
One reason was someone pinched both me sticks,
And the other, I'd busted me drum!"

Many Happy Returns

2009-06-21T11:16:00.000-07:00

On my previous post Private Samuel Small got 5 days C.B. (confined to barracks) so he is not able to appear tonight, regrettably.

Instead, I'd like you to meet a real 'whacky' Head Teacher who asks the school to guess his age because it's his birthday. If they get it right they get the day off - the boys show they are not idiots! They want to maximise their reward. Come to think of it this chap reminds me a bit of my whacky old Head Master, many, many years ago! He used to "whack" us with the cane - ouch!

MANY HAPPY RETURNS
by Archie de Bear (1933)

Down at the school house at Runcorn,
The headmaster walked in one day,
Looking chirpy and 'appy and cheerful,
Which wasn't 'is habit, they say.

The boys were completely dumbfounded,
And they whispered, "Hello, what's to do ?"
But the headmaster still went on smiling,
And said, "Boys, I've some good news for you."

"It's like this. Today is my birthday,
So it's no time for classes and such -
You can go." But the boys were too staggered
To even say, "Thanks very much."

They could scarcely believe their own ear-holes
As they welcomed these tidings so bright;
But soon they all cheered to the echo,
And very nigh bust with delight.

Said headmaster, "Now there's no hurry,
Before very long you'll be free;
But seeing as how it's me birthday,
How old would you take me to be ?"

Well, the boys didn't like this delaying,
And one of the younger ones swore
At the silly old fool of a master,
And the satisfied smile that 'e wore.

He didn't swear any too loudly,
Or 'e'd 'ave been out on the mat
For calling the master a 'silly old beggar' -
Or something that sounded like that.

"I bet you won't guess it correctly,"
The headmaster went on with a wink,
"For I've got a sort of notion
I'm not quite as old as you think."

A new boy jumped up and guessed twenty,
In the hopes that 'e'd get off for a week;
While another one guessed ninety seven -
Although with 'is tongue in 'is cheek.

Said the headmaster, "Don't let's be funny,
Or you'll be here all day I can see;
So who'll give serious guess now,
Come on, just between you and me."

Then in walked the junior tutor,
In a very old mortar board hat.
He said, "I hear there's a game on,
Well I'd like a basin of that."

Said the headmaster, "Mind your own business,
And kindly do not interfere -
Or you'll lose half your rashion of bacon,
And all your allowance of beer."

The tutor said, "Don't be a cad, Sir,
I don't wish to make any noise;
But you might at least try to be sporting,
If only in front of the boys."

With that he swept out of the classroom,
Fearing the look that he saw -
For he knew that in less than two seconds,
He'd get such a sock on the jaw.

Then in came the language professor,
French teaching was one of his jobs,
So he bowed to the Head and said, "Bonjour",
And the Head said, "Bonjour, avec knobs.

"But if you've come here to give lessons,
You can take it from me - it's no bon,
Because today's a holiday, Savvy ?
So you might as well allez-vous en."

Then a small voice cried, "Sir, why it's easy,
Forty four is your age I should say."
Said the master, "Now what a remarkable thing,
You've guessed my right age to the day."
_____________________________________

(New line by Eddie Bluelights)

"Now, tell me son, how did you do it?

" 'Ow did you answer, spot on?

The odds are against you just guessing

Which branch of maths was it, son?

_____________________________________
Said the boy, "Well my brother is just twenty two."
Said the headmaster, "What's that to me?"
"Well, Sir, if 'e's twenty two, you must be forty four,
'Cause 'e's only half barmy - you see!"

Then the whole class joined in the school anthem,
Which nobody wanted to shirk:
"For he's a jolly good fellow,
So long as we don't have to work."

Marksman Sam

2009-06-20T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well I am very pleased to resume the Private Sam Small stories now the merriment is complete at Clouds and Silvery Linings - hope you all have collected your prizes.

MARKSMAN SAM
(by Marriott Edgar (1934)

When Sam Small joined the regiment,
'E were no' but a raw recruit;
And they marched 'im away one wint'ry day
'Is musket course to shoot.

They woke 'im up at the crack o' dawn,
Wi' many a nudge and shake;
'E were dreaming that t'Sergeant 'ad broke 'is neck,
And 'e didn't want to wake.

Lieutenant Bird came on Parade,
And chided the lads for mooning.
'E talked in a voice like a pound o' plums,
'Is tonsils needed pruning.

"Move to the right by fours," 'e said,
Crisp-like, but most severe,
But Sam didn't know 'is right from 'is left,
So pretended 'e didn't 'ear.

Said Lieutenant, "Sergeant - take that man's name,"
The Sergeant took out 'is pencil,
'E were getting ashamed o' taking Sam's name,
And were thinking o' cutting a stencil.

Sam carried a musket, a knapsack and coat,
Spur boots that 'e'd managed to wangle,
A 'atchet, a spade - in fact as Sam said,
'E'd got everything bar t'kitchen mangle.

"March easy, men," Lieutenant cried,
As the musket range drew near,
"March easy me blushing Aunt Fanny," said Sam,
"What a chance, with all this 'ere."

When they told 'im to fire a five 'undred yards,
Sam nearly 'ad a fit,
For a six-foot wall, or the Albert 'All,
Were all 'e were likely to 'it.

'E 'ad fitted a cork in 'is musket end
To keep his powder dry;
And 'e didn't remember to tak' it out
The first time 'he let fly.

'Is gun went off with a kind of pop!
Where 'is bullet went no one knew,
But next day they spoke of a tinker's moke
Being killed by a cork near Crew.

At three 'undred yards, Sam shut 'is eyes
And took a careful aim;
'E failed to score, but the marker swore
And walked away quite lame.

At two 'undred yards, Sam fired so wild,
That the Sergeant feared for 'is skin,
And the lads all cleared int' t'neighbouring field
And started to dig 'emselves in.

"Ooh Sergeant! I hear a scraping noise,"
Said Sam, "What can it be ?"
The noise that 'e 'eard were Lieutenant Bird,
'Oo were climbing the nearest tree.

"Ooh Sergeant!" said Sam, "I've hit the bull!
What price my shooting now ?"
Said the Sergeant, "A bull! Yer gormless fool,
Yon isn't a bull, it's a cow!"

At fifty yards 'is musket kicked,
And went off with a noise like a blizzard,
And down came crow looking fair surprised
With 'is ram-rod through its gizzard.

As 'e loaded 'is musket to fire again,
Said the Sergeant, "Don't waste shot!
Yer'd best fix bayonet and charge, my lad,
It's the only chance yer've got!"

Sam kept loading 'is gun while the Sergeant spoke
'Til the bullets peeped out at the muzzle,
When all of a sudden it went off, bang!
What made it go off were a puzzle.

The bullets flew out in a kind of spray,
And everything round got peppered.
When they counted 'is score,
'E'd got eight bulls-eyes, four magpies,
Two lambs and a shepherd.

And the Sergeant for this got a D.C.M.
And the Colonel an O.B.E.
Lieutenant Bird got a D.S.O.
and Sam got - five days C.B.

No Sam Small today - sorry

2009-06-18T17:11:00.000-07:00

Hello

Sorry, had no time to produce a Sam story tonight.

I've been working on a huge awards ceremony on Clouds and Silvery Linings.

Jackie, there is an award for you there.

Bernie, there is an award for you there

Normal service will be resumed tomorrow.

Eddie

Sam's Medal

2009-06-17T01:59:00.000-07:00

Sadly, we have come to the end of the Albert Ramsbottom Monologues - but do not be too sad because there are lots of Sam Small stories to come, including this cracker which I can just about remember to recite, after a few drinks!!

SAM'S MEDAL
by Mabel Constanduros and Michael Hogan (1933)

You've 'eard of Samuel Small per'aps ?
A lad of bull-dog breed,
'Oo saved 'is Sergeant Major's life;
A most unusual deed.

At Waterloo 'e fought and bled,
And when the war was won,
The King a medal struck for Sam,
Because of what 'e'd done.

So Sam came up to Palace Gates,
In famous London town.
A Sentry in a Busby 'at
Was walkin' up and down.

The Sentry stopped and looked at Sam,
"Excuse me, mate," said he,
"Might you be Private Samuel Small ?"
And Sam said, "Aye, that's me!"

"Well, go on in," said Sentry, "Quick!"
And gave the gate a slam,
"King's got a medal there for thee!"
"I know 'e 'as," said Sam.

Well, Sam pushed open Palace Door
And stood in 'oly 'ush;
He found himself inside a room,
All marble busts and plush.

Archbishop in a red cocked 'at,
And breeches white and blue,
Said, "Is your name Sam Small, me lad ?"
"It is," said Sam, " 'Ow do!"

"Don't loiter then," says Bishop, sharp,
"Like nursemaid wi' a pram.
The King's got medal there for thee."
"I know 'e 'as," said Sam.

Upstairs Sam met Prime Minister,
A top-'at on 'is 'ead.
'Is trousers they was velvetine;
One leg was blue - one red.

'E glanced at Sam all 'aughty-like
And asked 'im, "Might you be
A man called Private Samuel Small ?"
And Sam said, "Ay, that's me."

"Well don't keep King all night," 'e said,
"Surprised at thee, I am.
'E's got thy medal there 'as King."
"I KNOW 'e 'as," said Sam.

But when Sam came on King and Queen,
His awe he couldn't smother;
For there sat King - one hand held th'orb,
And scepter was in t'other.

Sam grasped the situation like
In less than half a jiff,
He gave a very smart salute
And knocked his 'at skew-whiff.

"Tha' must be Samuel Small," said King.
"That's reet," said Sam, "I am."
"Well, I've a medal 'ere for thee."
"I KNOW thou 'ast," said Sam.

"Don't be impatient, Sam," says King,
"Before 'tis 'anded you,
There's certain grave formalities
Which must be gotten through."

"The V.C.'s granted Samuel Small,"
The King began to read,
"For saving Sergeant-Major's life;
A most unusual deed.

"Dragged 'im to safety under fire,
When serving in the line.
Now tell me, Sam, how came you do
This deed, so brave and fine ?"

"Well now," said Sam, " 'twas like this 'ere,
That Sergeant-Major come
Towards our trenches, very drunk,
A-wavin' jar of rum.

"And just as we was lettin' forth
A loud triumphant shout,
A darned great gun - excuse me, Queen -
Went off and laid 'im out.

"I rushed and grabbed the precious jar;
'E seized me round the 'tum' -
Your pardon, Queen. So 'e got saved,
As well as jar of rum!"

"But if there'd been no rum," said King,
"Though death might sound his knell,
Thou would'st 'ave done this same brave deed ?"
"I would!" said Sam, "Like 'ell!"

"Did you 'ear that ?" said King to Queen.
She said, "Indeed I did!"
"Don't give 'im ruddy medal then!"
And nor they never did.

Albert Evacuated

2009-06-16T14:50:00.000-07:00

This is war torn England in the blitz when it was safer for children to be evacuated into the country away from cities likely to be bombed by German aeroplanes. Little Albert was no exception - but it all goes wrong when mother misunderstands an Air Raids Precautions (ARP) warden.

ALBERT EVACUATED
by Stanley Holloway (1940)

Have you heard how young Albert Ramsbottom
Was evacuated from home,
With his Mother, clean socks and a toothbrush,
Some Syrup of Figs and a comb?

The stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle,
They decided that they'd leave behind,
To keep safe with the things they weren't wanting,
Like their gasmasks, and things of that kind.

Pa saw them off at the station,
And shed a few crocodile's tears;
As he waved them goodbye from the platform -
'Twas the best break he'd had in ten years.

Ma got corner seat for young Albert,
Who amused all the rest of the team
By breathing hot breaths on the window,
And writing some swear words in steam.

They arrived at last somewhere in England,
And straight to their billet were shown;
There was one room for Mother, but Albert
Was in a small room of his own.

The very first night in the blackout,
Young Albert performed quite a feat
By hanging head first from the window,
And shining his torch down the street.

It flashed on an A.R.P. warden
Patrolling with leisurely gait;
"Good Heavens," said he, "it's Tarzan,
I better go investigate."

So reading his book of instructions
To make himself doubly sure,
Then in an official like manner
Proceeded to knock at the door.

It was opened by Missus Ramsbottom.
"Now then," said she, "what's to do ?"
And in stern air-warden manner, 'e said,
"I'm going to interrogate you!"

This fair upset Missus Ransbottom,
Her face was a picture to see;
"I'll have you know you'll do nowt of the sort,
I'm a respectable woman," said she.

"Has your son been evacuated ?"
Said the A.R.P. man at the door.
"He'd all them things done as a baby," said Mother
"He's not being done any more."

"Be off, now," said Missus Ramsbottom,
As she bustled him out of the porch;
And the A.R.P. man patted Albert,
And then confiscated his torch.

Now that were unlucky for Albert,
He 'ad no torch to see 'im to bed;
But being a bright little fellow,
He switched on the hall light instead.

"Put out that light," a voice shouted,
"Where's the men of our A.R.P.?"
"I've told them already," the warden replied,
"They take no ruddy notice of me."

Soon Missus Ramsbottom and Albert
Were feeling quite homesick and sad;
So they thanked the landlady most kindly,
And prepared to go back home to Dad.

When at last they reached home to Father
They were fed up and had quite enough;
But in the front parlour they found six young women
And Father were doing his stuff.

"Hello, Mother," said Mister Ramsbottom,
"Come right on in, don't be afraid,
When you went away I joined Ambulance Corps -
I'm instructing the girls in first aid."

"First Aid," said Missus Ramsbottom
With a horrible look on her brow.
"If ever you wanted first aid in your life,
By gum, you'll be wanting it now."

Watch out, father, "Hell thath no fury like a woman's scorn!"

Perhaps he feels, "Meethinks the lady doth protest too much!"

Albert's Jubilee Day Sovereign

2009-06-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

"It had picture of Queen on the on side, and her dragon fight on the reverse"

This is one of Stanley's monologues I remember still from my youth and I am pleased to say I recited it recently to a 90 year old male patient to whom I was attending as we travelled in an ambulance - we are great friends. He laughed so much I had him 'in stitches', not the sort of thing you should do to a patient. I ended up reciting two more and promised him I would put them on CD for him and he now has it. He is delighted! I am particularly fond of this man because he is highly educated and has written 14 books; three on theology. Also he is a Baptist Minister and we have had very many interesting discussions. Sadly he is blind. When I post my ambulance stories on my other blog, Clouds and Silvery Linings, there is an interesting story about him.

Nice to do something like that for the elderly when we can - we try to brighten their lives every day. Anyway, here goes - enjoy.

THE JUBILEE SOVEREIGN
by Marriott Edgar (1937)

On Jubilee Day the Ramsbottoms
Asked all their relations to tea,
Including young Albert's Grandmother -
An awkward old 'party' were she.

She'd seen Queen Victoria's Jubilee
And her wedding to 'Albert the Good'
But got quite upset when young Albert
Asked her how she'd got on in the Flood.

She cast quite a damper on t'party,
But she cheered up a bit after tea
And gave Albert a real golden sov'rin
She'd saved up since last Jubilee.

It had picture of t'Queen on the one side
And her dragon fight on the reverse;
And tasted of camphor and cobwebs
Through being so long in her purse.

Albert cuddled the coin and he kissed it,
And felt the rough edge with his tongue,
For he knew by the look of his father
It wouldn't be his very long.

"Shall I get your money-box, Albert ?"
Said mother, so coaxing and sweet.
But Albert let drop an expression
He must have picked up in the street.

"I'll show you a trick with that sov'rin,"
Said Pa, who were hovering near;
Then he took and pretended to eat it
Then brought it back out of his ear.

This magic filled Albert with wonder,
And before you could say, 'Uncle Dick'
He'd got the coin back from his father
And performed the first part of the trick.

When they saw as he'd swallowed his sov'rin
With excitement his relatives burned,
And each one suggested some process
For getting the money returned.

Some were for fishing with tweezers,
While some were for shaking it out;
If they only got back a few shillings
They said 't would be better than nowt!

They tried holding Albert head downwards,
And giving his back a good thump;
Then 'is uncle who worked for a chemist,
Said, "There's nowt for it but 'stommick' pump."

They hadn't a stomach pump 'andy,
But Pa did the best that he could
With a bicycle pump that he'd borrowed.
But that weren't ha'porth of good'.

At last they took him to a Doctor.
Who looked down his throat through a glass,
And said, "This will need operation,
I fear that he'll 'ave to 'ave gas!"

"How much is this 'ere going to cost us ?"
Said Father, beginning to squirm;
Said the Doctor, "It comes out expensive,
The best gas is eight pence a therm."

"There's my time - four shillings an hour,
You can't do these things in two ticks;
By rights I should charge you a guinea,
But I'll do it for eighteen and six."

"What eighteen and six to get sov'rin ?"
Said Father, "That doesn't sound sense.
I'll tell you what, you best keep Albert,
And give me the odd eighteen pence."

The Doctor concurred this arrangement,
But to this day remains in some doubt
As to whether he's in eighteen shillings,
Or whether he's eighteen pence out.

Albert And The Headsman

2009-06-14T14:33:00.000-07:00

ALBERT AND THE 'EADSMAN
by Marriott Edgar (1937)

On young Albert Ramsbottom's birthday
His parents asked what he'd like most;
He said, "To see Tower of London,
And gaze upon Anne Boleyn's Ghost."

They felt this request were unusual,
And at first to refuse were inclined,
‘Til Pa said, "A trip to t'metrollopse
Might broaden the little lad's mind."

They took 'charrybank' up to London,
And got there at quarter to 'fower',
Then seeing that pubs wasn't open
They went straightaway to the Tower.

They didn't think much to the building,
‘Tweren't what they'd been led to suppose,
And the 'Bad Word' Tower didn't impress ‘em,
They said Blackpool 'ad got one of those.

At last Albert found a Beefeater,
And filled the old chap with alarm
By asking for t'Ghost of Anne Boleyn,
As carried 'er 'ead 'neath 'er arm.

Said Beefeater, "You ought to come Fridays,
If it's Ghost of Anne Boleyn you seek,
Her union now limits her output,
And she only gets one walk a week."

"But", he said, "if it's ghosts that you're after,
There's Lady Jane Grey's to be seen,
She runs around chased by the 'Eadsman
At midnight on th'old Tower Green."

They waited on t'green 'til near midnight,
Then thinking they'd time for a 'sup',
They took out what food they'd brought with them
And waited for t'ghost to turn up.

On first stroke of twelve, up jumped Albert,
His mouth full of cold dripping toast,
With his stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
He pointed and said, " 'Ere's the Ghost!"

They felt their skins going all goosey
As Lady Jane's Spectre drew near,
And Albert fair swallowed his tonsils
When the 'Eadsman an' all did appear.

The 'Eadsman chased Jane round the grass patch,
They saw his axe flash in the moon,
And seeing as poor lass were 'eadless
They wondered what next he would prune.

He suddenly caught sight of Albert,
As midnight was on its last chime;
As he lifted his axe Father murmurred,
"We'll get the insurance this time."

At that mother rose, taking umbridge;
She said, "Put that cleaver away.
You're not cutting our Albert's 'ead off,
Yon collar were clean on today."

The brave little lad stood undaunted,
'Til the Ghost were within half a pace,
Then taking the toast he were eating,
Slapped it, dripping side down, in Ghost's face.

'Twere a proper set back for the 'Eadsman;
He let out one howl of depair,
Then taking his lady friend with him
He disappeared - just like that there.

When Pa saw the way as they vanished,
He trembled with fear and looked blue,
'Til Ma went and patted his shoulder
And said, "It's alright love, we saw it too."

Some say 'twere the dripping that done it,
From a roast leg of mutton it came,
And as th' 'Eadsman 'ad been a Beefeater,
They reckoned he vanished from shame.

And the round Tower Green from that moment,
They've ne'er seen a sign of a ghost,
But when t'Beefeaters go on night duty
They take slices of cold dripping toast.

Runcorn Ferry (Tuppence Per Person Per Trip)

2009-06-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

Now this monologue is revelant to my youth. I was born in Widnes, Cheshire, and this story is about crossing the River Mersey from Runcorn to Widnes. Apparently 'no-one wanted to go to either place and trade wasn't any too good!' Hmm! - I can understand that sentiment! I remember the Transporter Bridge (now demolished and replaced with a a spanking new bridge) but I am not that ancient to remember Old Ted the Boatman who, in this delightful story, wants to maximise his profits. However, he meets his match in Mr Ramsbottom who likes a bargain and schemes to get one! I used to recite this monologue often.

RUNCORN FERRY
(Tuppence Per Person Per Trip)
by Marriott Edgar (1933)

On the banks of the Mersey, over on Cheshire side,
Lies Runcorn that's best known to fame
By Transporter Bridge as takes folks over it's stream,
Or else brings 'em back across same.

In days afore Transporter Bridge were put up
A Ferry Boat lay in the slip,
And old Ted the Boatman would row folks across
At per tuppence per person per trip.

Now Runcorn lay over on one side of stream
And Widnes on t'other side stood,
And as nobody wanted to go either place -
Well, the trade wasn't any too good.

One ev'ning to Ted's superlative surprise
Three customers came into view -
A Mister and Missus Ramsbottom it were,
And Albert, their little son too.

"How much for the three ?" Mister Ramsbottom asked,
As 'is 'and to his pocket did dip.
Ted said, "Same for three as it would be for one:
Per tuppence per person per trip."

"You're not charging tuppence for that little lad ?"
Said Mother, her eyes flashing wild.
"Per tuppence per person per trip," answered Ted,
"Per woman, per man or per child."

"Five pence for three, that's the most that I'll pay,"
Says Father, "Don't waste time in t'talk."
"Per tuppence per person per trip," answered Ted,
"And them as can't pay 'as to walk."

"We can walk an' all," said Father, "come, Mother,
It's none so deep, t'weather's quite mild."
So into the water the three of them stepped
- The father, the mother, the child.

The further they paddled the deeper it got,
But they wouldn't give in, once begun;
In the sprit that's made Lancashire what she is
They'd sooner be 'drownded' than done.

Very soon the old people were up to their necks
And the little lad clean out of sight.
Said Father, "Where's Albert ?" and Mother replied,
"I've got 'old of 'is 'and, 'e's alright."

'Twere just at that moment Pa got an idea,
And floundering back to old Ted,
'E said, "We walked that way, come take us the rest
For half price, that's a penny a head."

But Ted wasn't standing for none of that there,
And making an obstinate lip,
"Per tuppence per person per trip," Ted replied,
"Per trip or per part of per trip."

"Alright then," said Father, "Let me take the boat,
And I'll pick up the others half-way,
I'll row them across and I'll bring the boat back.
And thruppence in t'bargain I'll pay."

'Twere money for nothing. Ted answered, "Right-o,"
And Father got 'old of the sculls.
With the sharp end of boat t'wards middle of stream
‘E were there in a couple of pulls.

'E got Mother out, it were rather a job -
With the water she weighed 'alf-a-ton;
Then pushing the oar down the side of the boat
Started fishing around for his son.

When poor little Albert came up to the top
'Is collar was soggy and limp,
And with 'olding his breath at the bottom so long
'Is face were as red as as a shrimp.

Pa took them across and 'e brought the boat back,
And 'e said to old Ted on the slip,
"Wilt row me across by myself ?"
Ted said, "Aye! at per tuppence per person per trip".

When they got t'other side Father laughed fit to bust,
‘E'd got best of bargain, you see,
'E'd worked it all out, and 'e'd got 'is own way
And 'e'd paid nobbut fivepence for three.

Albert's Reuinion with The Lion

2009-06-12T09:44:00.000-07:00

This monologue is not well known and I doubt whether it was recorded by Stanley Holloway - but it makes up the trilogy.

ALBERT'S REUNION
by Stanley Holloway (1978)

You've heard of Albert Ramsbottom,
And Missus Ramsbottom and Dad,
And the trouble the poor Lion went to
Trying to stomach the lad.

Now after the Lion disgorged him,
Quite many a day had gone by;
But the Lion just sat there and brooded
With a far away look in his eye.

The Keepers could 'nowt' do with Lion
He seemed to be suffering pain,
He seemed to be fretting for summat,
And the curl went out of his mane.

He looked at his food and ignored it,
Just gazed far away into space;
When Keepers tried forcible feeding
They got it all back in their face.

And at Mister and Missus Ramsbottom's
The same kind of thing had begun -
And though they tried all sorts of measures,
They couldn't rouse Albert, their son.

Now Mister Ramsbottom got fed up
With trying to please him in vain,
And said, "If you don't start to buck up
I'll take you to Lion again."

Now instead of the lad getting frightened
And starting to quake at the knees,
He seemed to be highly delighted
And shouted, "Oh, Dad, if you please."

His Father thought he had gone potty,
His Mother went nearly insane,
But Albert just stood there and bellowed,
"I want to see Lion again."

Now Mister and Missus Ramsbottom
Decided the best thing to do,
Was to give way to Albert
And take him staight'way back to Zoo.

The moment the Lion saw Albert,
'Twere the first time for weeks it had stirred:
It moved the left side of its whiskers,
Then lay on its back and just purred.

And before anybody could stop him,
Young Albert were stroking its paws;
And whilst the crowd screamed for the Keepers
The little lad opened its jaws.

The crowd by this time were dumbfounded,
His mother was out to the wide,
But they knew by the lumps and the bulges
That Albert were once more inside.

Then all of a sudden the Lion
Stood up and let out a roar;
And Albert, all smiling and happy,
Came out with a thud on the floor.

The crowd by this time were all cheering,
And Albert stood there looking grand
With his stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle
Clutched in his young chubby hand.

The Lion grew so fond of Albert
He couldn't be parted from lad;
And so the Zoological Keepers
Sent round a note to his Dad.

"We regret to say Lion is worried
And pining for your little man,
So sending you Lion tomorrow,
Arriving in plain covered van."

And if you call round any evening,
I'll tell you just what you will see -
Albert is reading to Lion in bed.
And what is he reading ?

BORN FREE

Albert Comes Back (or The Return of Albert)

2009-06-11T12:42:00.000-07:00

THE RETURN OF ALBERT
(Albert Comes Back)
by Marriott Edgar (1934)

______________________

You've 'eard 'ow young Albert Ramsbottom,
In the Zoo up at Blackpool one year,
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
Gave a Lion a poke in the ear.

The name of the Lion was Wallace,
The poke in the ear made 'im wild;
And before you could say, "Bob's your Uncle."
'E'd up and 'e'd swallowed the child.

'E were sorry the moment 'e'd done it,
With children 'e'd always been chums,
And besides, 'e'd no teeth in his noddle,
And 'e couldn't chew Albert on t'gums.

'E could feel the lad moving inside 'im,
As 'e lay on 'is bed of dried ferns,
And it might 'ave been little lad's birthday,
'E wished 'im such happy returns.

But Albert kept kicking and fighting,
'Til Wallace arose feeling bad,
And felt it were time that 'e started
To stage a come-back for the lad.

So with 'is 'ead down in a corner,
On 'is front paws 'e started to walk,
And 'e coughed and 'e sneezed and 'e gargled,
'Til Albert shot out like a cork.

Old Wallace felt better directly,
And 'is figure once more became lean,
But the only difference with Albert
Was 'is face and 'is 'ands were quite clean.

Meanwhile Mister and Missus Ramsbottom
'Ad gone 'ome to tea feeling blue;
Ma says, "I feel down in the mouth like".
Pa says, "Aye! I bet Albert does too."

Said Ma, "It just goes for to show you
That the future is never revealed,
If I thought we was going to lose 'im
I'd have not 'ad 'is boots soled and 'eeled."

"Let's look on the bright side," said Father,
"What can't be 'elped must be endured,
Every cloud 'as a silvery lining,
And we did 'ave young Albert insured."

A knock at the door came that moment,
As Father these kind words did speak,
'Twas the man from t'Prudential,
'E'd called for their 'tuppence per person per week'.

When Father saw who 'ad been knocking,
'E laughed and 'e kept laughing so,
That the young man said, "What's there to laugh at ?"
Pa said, "You'll laugh an' all when you know."

"Excuse 'im for laughing," said Mother,
"But really things 'appen so strange,
Our Albert's been 'ate' by a Lion,
You've got to pay us for a change."

Said the young 'feller' from the Prudential,
"Now, come come, let's understand this,
You don't mean to say that you've lost 'im ?"
Ma says, "Oh no! we know where 'e is."

When the young man 'ad 'eard all the details,
A bag from 'is pocket he drew,
And 'e paid them with int'rest and bonus,
The sum of nine pounds four and two.

Pa 'ad scarce got 'is 'ands on the money,
When a face at the window they see,
And Mother says, "Eeh! look, it's Albert."
And Father says, "Aye, it would be."

Young Albert came in all excited,
And started 'is story to give,
And Pa said, "I'll never trust Lions
Again, not as long as I live."

The young 'feller' from the Prudential
To pick up the money began,
And Father says, "Eeh! just a moment,
Don't be in a hurry young man."

Then giving young Albert a shilling,
He said, "Pop off, back to the Zoo.
'Ere's yer stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle,
Go and see what the Tigers can do!"

Now - something interesting! Look at the line . . . . . . . . . . . "Every cloud 'as a silvery lining"

That line inspired my main blog title, Clouds and Silvery Linings

I will post another Albert and the Lion story tomorrow - and I am pleased to say I have discovered two very recent ones, the last one is dated 2005. I shall post these as well.

There is a considerable present day following of these monologues I am pleased to say ~ Eddie

Albert Ramsbottom's Recumbent Posture

2009-06-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

Enough of Sam Small for a while and over to little Albert Ramsbottom, who today is unwell and has been advised to embark on a recumbent posture! Trouble is no-one seems to know what a recumbent posture is!! . . . . and mother hates Latin. I am please to say I have found a utube of Stanley Holloway reciting this monologue which I think is one of his greatest.

THE RECUMBENT POSTURE
by Marriott Edgar (1939)

The day after Christmas, young Albert
Were what's called confined to 'is bed,
With a tight kind of pain in 'is 'stommick'
And a light feeling up in 'is 'ead.

His parents was all of a fluster
When they saw little lad was so sick;
They said, "Put out your tongue" - When they'd seen it,
They said, "Put it back again - quick !"

His Ma made a basin of gruel,
But that were a move for the worse;
Though the little lad tried 'ard to eat it,
At finish 'e did the reverse.

The pain showed no signs of abating,
So at last they got Doctor to call;
'E said it were in 'is 'ab-domain'
and not in 'is 'stommick' at all.

'E sent up a bottle of 'physick',
Wi' instructions on t'label to say,
'To be took in a recumbent posture,
One teaspoonful three times a day'.

As Ma stood there reading the label,
Pa started to fidget about;
'E said, "Get a teaspoon and dose 'im
Before 'e gets better without."

“I can manage the teaspoon", says Mother,
A look of distress on 'er face;
"It's this 'ere 'recumbulent' posture -
I haven't got one in the place."

Said Pa, "What about Missus Luckton ?
Next door 'ere - you'd better ask 'er;
A woman who's buried three 'usbands
Is sure to 'ave one of them there."

So they went round and asked Missus Luckton;
"Aye, I know what you mean," she replied,
"I 'ad got one on order for 'Orace,
But poor dear got impatient and died."

She said, "You'd best try the Co-op Shop,
They'll 'ave one in stock, I dare say;
'Fact I think I saw one in the 'winder'
Last time I were passing that way."

So round they went to the Co-op Shop,
And at the counter for household supplies;
Pa asked for a recumbent posture,
And the Shopman said, "Yes sir - what size ?"

Said Ma, "It's for our little Albert,
I don't know what size 'e would use;
I know 'e takes thirteens in collars,
And sixes, four fittings in shoes."

"If it's little lad's size that you're wanting,"
Said the Shopman, "I'm sorry to say
That we nobbut had one in the building,
And that one was sold yesterday."

'E sent them along to a Tin-Smith,
Who said, "Aye, I know what you've in mind;
If you'll draw me a plan I could make one."
But Pa 'ad left his pencil behind.

They searched every place in the district;
They walked for two hours by the clock,
But though most places reckoned to keep 'em,
They'd none of them got one in stock.

The last place they tried was a Chemist's,
Chap looked at 'em both with a frown,
And explained that a Recumbent Posture
Were Latin, and meant 'lying down'.

"lt means 'lying down' - put in Latin,"
Said Father, "That's just what I 'thowt.'
Then 'e picked up a side-glance from Mother
And pretended 'e 'adn't said nowt.

"They're not dosing my lad with Latin."
Said Mother, her face looking grim;
"Just plain Castor Oil's all 'e's getting,
And I'm leaving the posture to him."

The wording is slightly different in places

2009-06-08T13:59:00.000-07:00

SAM'S STURGEON
by Ashley Sterne (1935)
(reputed to be an anagram of Ernest Halsey)

Sam Small were fishing in canal
'Twixt Manchester and Sale;
He hadn't had a bite all day
And 'nowt' to sup but ale.

Then all at once his fishing line
Went rushing out like mad;
"By gum," cried Sam, "I've got a bite,"
And so by gum he 'ad.

He tugged and tugged and better tugged,
His line it rose and sank;
Then fish gave one last dying gasp,
And flopped stone dead on t'bank.

Just then a policeman bustled up
On feet both large and flat.
'E looked at Sam, 'e looked at fish
And said, "Eee, who done that ?"

"It's just a sort of fish," said Sam,
"I'm taking home to tea."
"Tha's not," said policeman, "that, tha's not,
It don't belong to thee.

"It's what they call a Sturgeon, Sam,
That fish belongs to King,
So take it up to Palace, lad,
As fast as anything."

Sam stooped and picked the Sturgeon up,
Well knowing who was boss;
Then ran to station where he bought
Two tickets for King's Cross.

When Samuel reached London Town
The crowd all raised a cheering cry;
The traffic parted left and right
To let that Sturgeon by.

The Palace Sentry, haughty like
Said, "What might be your wish ?"
But when he saw what Sam had brought
He cried, "Pass, Royal fish."

Sam knocked at door and servant girl
Said, "Step inside the hall,
The King and Queen is out," says she
"But not to thee, Sam Small."

And so with Sturgeon in his arms
Sam tramped up corridor,
He trailed along some passages
And knocked at parlour door.

"Come in," says King, so Sam
Went in with Royal fish and all.
"Why dash me buttons," cries the King,
"If it isn't old Sam Small."

"That's me," said Sam, "and 'ere's a fish
Our policeman said were thine;
A Sturgeon caught in Ship Canal
With rod and hook and line."

"Well, well," said King, "come sit thee down,
Tha' must be fair done up.
We just were going to have us teas,
Tha'll stay and have a sup ?"

"Thanks, King," said Sam, and takes a seat
With fish upon his knee.
"Nay, put that thing on t'sofa, Sam,"
Says King, "and have thy tea."

"Now what about this fish ?" asks Sam.
But King he whispers low,
"I'm going to tell thee something, Sam,
But don't let policeman know.

"I hate to show ingratitude
And please don't think me mean,
But I never did like Sturgeon, Sam,
Nor, come to that, does Queen.

"To eat the stuff we hate so much
Well, Sam, we find it hard;
So we hand 'em to the Chamberlain
Who stacks them in back yard.

"Just thee look out that window, Sam,
And see where t'Sturgeons go."
Sam looked in t'yard and saw 'em all
In thousands in a row.

"It's champion seeing thee again,
But Sam, twixt me and thee
I cannot stand Sturgeons
But I love a kipper to me tea."

"Now fancy that," says Sam, "by gum,
Why them's my favourite fish."
And then the Queen came smiling in,
With kippers on the dish.

"Do you know Sam Small, my dear ?" says King.
Queen says, "Why yes, yes, yes,
Just touch the Bell and tell our James
To bring more watercress."

"Think on," says King when tea were done
And Sam got up to go,
"Kippers is what I like for tea
But don't let policeman know."

So Sam went home to Lancashire
And said a silent prayer,
With blessings on the kippered fish
"Long live the Royal Pair."

'Alt! Who Goes There?

2009-06-07T14:20:00.000-07:00

ALT! WHO GOES THERE ?
by Stanley Holloway (1930)

Old Sam first came to London
When George the Fourth were King,
He'd been in th'Army, man and boy
For twenty years come Spring. .

The troops were lined up on Parade
And Sergeant said, "Eh, Sam,
T'neet tha' goes on sentry-go
At t'Palace, Buckingham."

So off goes Sam to Palace gates
His chest puffed out with pride;
His musket on his shoulder,
He walks up and down, outside.

A crowd soon thronged around him
And caused a fearful jam -
Some come to look at King and Queen,
Some come to look at Sam.

Sam stood there cold and haughty-like
With dignity sublime.
Some asks, "Were you at Waterloo ?"
And some asks, "What's the time ?"

When suddenly from out of crowd
A chap walked bold and straight,
He crosses right in front of Sam
And tries to open gate.

Old Sam says, " 'Alt! And who goes there ?
Who's thee does tha' suppose ?"
The stranger answers, "George the Fourth.
I live in 'ere tha' knows."

Old Sam says, "Does tha' think I'm daft ?
Don't try to tell me that.
If thou art King - then where's thee Crown ?
Tha'rt wearing bowler 'at."

"That's right," says King, "that's right enough,
It's strange to thee, no doubt,
But I put on bowler hat
‘Cos it were raining when I comes out."

"Oh well," said Sam, "I suppose you're right,
I didn't know 'twere thee."
The King says, "No offence, me lad,
Come in for a cup o' tea."

"I'd like a cup of tea," said Sam,
"I don't mind if I do."
The Queen pours cup of tea and says,
"How many lumps, Sam ?" - "Two"

They chatted there for 'alf an hour
When knock come at the door,
The King he goes and finds
The Duke of Wellington there, for sure.

"Good afternoon," says Duke of Wellington,
"Is Sam with thee ?"
"Aye, he is an' all," says King,
"He's having a cup o'tea."

"Well that's a pretty thing," says Duke,
"That's pretty, I declare."
He catches sight of Sam and says,
"Sam, what's tha' doing in there ?"

Sam comes to door all jumpy like
And red as anything.
"Ah'm doing nothing, Duke", he cries,
"But having tea with King."

"I thought that there was sommut up,"
The Duke coldy replied,
"Because I see thee musket
Leaning against rails outside.

"Some clumsy chap had knocked it down,
It gave me quite a scare,
So I stooped down and picked it up -
Seeing as thee weren't there."

"You stooped and picked me musket up ?"
Said Sam, "Well I declare,
And thee with thy lumbago too,
I bet it made thee swear."

"I'll not wait for second cup," said Sam,
"Ah'll come with thee.
So goodnight both your Majesties, and long
live both your Majesties,
And when tha's next in Lancashire, tha's
tea's with me."

Sam, Pick Oop Tha' Musket

2009-06-07T12:14:00.000-07:00

SAM, PICK OOP THA’ MUSKET
by Stanley Holloway (1929)

It occurred on the evening before Waterloo
And troops were lined up on t'Parade,
And Sergeant inspecting 'em, he was a terror
Of whom every man was afraid -

All excepting one man, who was in the front rank,
A man by the name of Sam Small,
And 'im and the Sergeant were both 'daggers drawn';
They thought 'nowt' of each other at all.

As Sergeant walked past he was swinging ‘is arm,
And he happened to brush against Sam,
And knocking his musket clean out of his hand
It fell to the ground with a slam.

"Pick it oop," said Sergeant, abrupt like but cool,
But Sam with the shake of his head
Said, "Seeing as tha' knocked it out of me 'and,
P'raps tha'll pick the thing oop instead."

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
The Sergeant exclaimed with a roar.
Sam said, "Tha' knocked it down, Reet! then tha'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is, on't floor."

The sound of high words
Very soon reached the ears of an Officer, Lieutenant Bird,
Who says to the Sergeant, "Now what's all this 'ere ?"
And the Sergeant told what had occurred.

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
Lieutenant exclaimed with some heat.
Sam said, "He knocked it down, Reet! then he'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is, at me feet."

It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived
To find out the cause of the trouble;
And every man there, all excepting Old Sam,
Was full of excitement and bubble.

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
Said Captain, for strictness renowned.
Sam said, "He knocked it down, Reet! then he'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is on t'ground."

The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel
Both tried to get Sam to see sense,
But when Old Duke o' Wellington came into view
Well, then the excitement was tense.

Up rode the Duke on a lovely white 'orse,
To find out the cause of the bother;
He looks at the musket and then at Old Sam
And he spoke to Old Sam like a brother,

"Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,"
The Duke said, as quiet as could be,
"Sam, Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,
Coom on lad - just to please me."

"Alright, Duke," said Old Sam, "just for thee I'll oblige,
And to show thee I meant no offence."
So Sam picked it up. "Gradely, lad," said the Duke,
"Right-o boys, let battle commence."

The Hole in the Ark

2009-05-24T16:10:00.000-07:00

Stanley Holloway Monologue

THE 'OLE IN THE ARK
by Marriott Edgar (1937)

with additional verses by Eddie Bluelights (2009)

One evening at dusk as Noah stood on 'is Ark,
Putting green oil in starboard side lamp,
His wife came along and said, "Noah, summat's wrong:
Our cabin is getting quite damp."

Said Noah, "Is that so ?" Then he went down below
And he found it were right what she'd said;
For there on the floor quite a puddle he saw
It were slopping around under the bed.

Said he, "There's an hole in the bottom somewhere,
We must find it before we retire."
Then he talked for a bit, and said, "Aye, that's it,
A blood hound is what we require."

So he went and fetched bloodhound from place where it lay -
'Tween the skunk and the polecat it were -
And as things down below were a trifle so-so,
It were glad of a breath of fresh air.

They followed the hound as it went sniffing round,
Until at last they located the leak;
'Twas a round 'ole in the side, about two inches wide,
Where a sword-fish had poked in its beak.

Ba gum! how the wet squirted in through that hole;
Well young Shem, who at sums was expert,
Worked it out on his slate that it came in at the rate
Of per gallon, per second, per squirt.
----------------------------------------------------
(addition by Eddie Bluelights)

This equation caused Noah consternation
'Cause 'e wondered how long they could float.
So he summomed the others, who included Shem's brothers,
Ham and Japheth, from deep within boat.

"Is Shem right with this 'ere calculation ?"
Asked their father, beginning to worry.
"We're not very good when it comes to our tables!
Let alone advanced mathematics, we're sorry!"

Piped in Shem, "There's good reason you thicko's can't do it,
'Cause at school you've been wasting your years,
You're no good at maths, science or Hebrew;
‘Cause you've not much between those four ears."

Said Noah, "Let us not talk of these 'ere equations,
We've got to make t'Ark safe and sound;
So boys go and play, and from me stay away,
And Missus please get me blood-hound."
---------------------------------------------------

The blood hound tried hard to keep water in check
By lapping it up with his tongue.
But as that were no go he went up to the hole
And shoved in his nose for a bung.

But the poor faithful hound, 'e were very near drowned,
And they dragged him away none too soon.
For the fountain as rose worked his way up his nose
And blew him out like a balloon.

And then Missus Noah shoved her elbow in t'hole,
And said, "Ee it's stopped, I believe."
But they found very soon as she altered her tune,
'Cause the water had gone up her sleeve.

Then finding her elbow wasn't doing much good,
She said to Noah, "I've an idea.
You sit on the leak and by t'end of the week
There's no knowing weather may clear.

Noah didn't think much to this idea at all,
But reckoned 'e'd give it a try.
On the 'ole down 'e plopped and the leaking all stopped,
And all except 'im were quite dry.

They took him his breakfast and dinner and tea
As day after day there 'e sat,
'Til the storm had all passed and they landed at last
On the top side of Mount Ararat.

That's how old Noah got them all safe ashore.
But ever since then strange to tell.
Them that helped save the Ark all carried a mark
Aye and all their descendants as well.

That's why a dog 'as a cold nose, and a lady cold elbows
You'll also find if you enquire,
That that's why a man takes his coat-tails in hand,
And stands with his back to the fire.

Three Half' Pence a Foot

2009-05-24T11:32:00.000-07:00

Stanley Holloway Monologues

THREE HA'PENCE A FOOT

by Marriott Edgar (1932)
.
..

I'll tell you an old-fashioned story
That grandfather used to relate,
Of a joiner and building contractor;
'Is name, it were Sam Ogglethwaite.

In a shop on the banks of the Irwell,
Old Sam used to follow 'is trade,
In a place you'll 'ave 'eard of, called Bury;
You know, where black puddings is made.

One day, Sam were filling a knot 'ole
Wi' putty, when in thro' the door
Came an old 'feller', fair wreathed i'whiskers;
T'old chap said, "Good morning, I'm Noah."

Sam asked Noah what was 'is business,
And t'old chap went on to remark,
That not liking the look of the weather,
'E were thinking of building an Ark.

'E'd gotten the wood for the bulwarks,
And all t'other ship building junk,
And wanted some nice Bird's Eye Maple
To panel the sides of 'is bunk.

Now Maple was Sam's 'Mon-o-poly';
That means it were all 'is to cut,
And nobody else 'adn't got none;
So 'e asked Noah three ha'pence a foot.

"A ha'penny too much," replied Noah,
"A penny a foot's more the mark;
A penny a foot, and when rain comes,
I'll give you a ride in me Ark."

But neither would budge in the bargain;
The whole daft thing were kind of a jam,
So Sam put 'is tongue out at Noah,
And Noah made 'Long Bacon' at Sam.

In wrath and ill-feeling they parted,
Not knowing when they'd meet again,
And Sam had forgot all about it,
'Til one day it started to rain.

It rained and it rained for a fortnight,
And flooded the 'ole countryside.
It rained and it still kept on raining,
‘Til t'Irwell were fifty miles wide.

The 'ouses were soon under water,
As the folks to the roof 'ad to climb.
They said, " 'Twas the rottenest summer
That Bury 'ad 'ad for some time."

The rain showed no sign of abating,
And water rose hour by hour,
‘Til the only dry land were at Blackpool,
And that were on top of the tower.

So Sam stared swimming to Blackpool;
It took 'im best part of a week.
'Is clothes was wet through when 'e got there,
And 'is boots were beginning to leak.

'E stood to 'is watch-chain in t'water,
On Tower top, just before dark,
When who should come sailing towards 'im
But old Noah, steering 'is Ark.

They stared at each other in silence,
'Til Ark were alongside, all but,
Then Noah said, "What price 'yer' Maple ?"
Sam answered, "Three ha'pence a foot."

Noah said, "Nay, I'll make thee an offer,
Same as I did t'other day.
A Penny a foot and a free ride.
Now come on lad, what does tha' say ?"

"Three ha'pence a foot", came the answer.
So Noah 'is sail 'ad to hoist,
And sailed off again in a dudgeon,
While Sam stood determined, but moist.

Noah cruised around, flying 'is pigeons,
‘Til fortieth day of the wet,
And on 'is way back, passing Blackpool,
'E saw old Sam standing there yet.

'Is chin just stood out of the water;
A comical figure 'e cut.
Noah said, "Now what's the price of yer Maple ?"
Sam answered, "Three ha'pence a foot."

Said Noah, "You'd best take me offer;
It's last time I'll be here about.
And if water comes half an inch higher,
I'll happen get Maple for nowt."

"Three ha'pence a foot it'll cost yer.
And as for me," Sam said, "don't fret:
The sky's took a turn since this morning.
I think it'll brighten up yet."

Gunner Joe

2009-05-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

Stanley Holloway Monologues

Gunner Joe

by Marriott Edgar (1933)

I'll tell you a seafaring story,

Of a lad who won honour and fame

With Nelson at Battle, ' Trafalgar -

Joe Moggeridge, that were his name

He were one of the crew of the Victory,

His job when a battle begun

Was to take cannon balls out of basket

And shove 'em down front end of gun.

One day him and Nelson were boxing -

The compass, like sailor lads do,

When Hardy comes up with a spyglass

And pointing, says "'Ere, take a screw!"

They looked to where Hardy were pointing

And saw lots of ships in a row.

Joe says abrupt-like but respectful,

"Horatio lad, yon's the foe."

"What say we attack 'em? says Nelson

Says Joe "Nay lad not, today."

And Hardy says, "Aye! well let's toss up."

Horatio answers, "Okay."

They tossed - it were heads for attacking

And tails for t'other way 'bout.

Joe lent them his two-headed penny,

So the answer was never in doubt.

When penny came down 'eadside uppards,

They were in for a do it were plain,

And Joe murmured, "Shiver my timbers,"

And Nelson kissed Hardy again.

And then, taking flags out of locker,

He strung out a message on high;

'T were all about England and duty -

Crew thought they was 'ung out to dry.

They got the guns ready for action,

And that gave 'em trouble enough,

They hadn't been fired all the Summer

And touch holes were bunged up with fluff.

Joe's cannon weren't half a corker,

The canon balls went three foot round,

They weren't no toy balloons neither,

They weighed close on sixty five pound.

Joe, selecting two of the largest,

Was going to load double for luck -

When a hot shot came through the porthole

And a gunpowder barrell got struck.

By gum! there weren't half an explosion,

The gun crew was filled with alarm

As out of the porthole went Joseph

With a canon ball under each arm.

At that moment up came the 'Boat-swine',

He looked round and asked crew, "Where's Joe?"

Gunner relied, " He's taken two canon balls with him

And gone for a breather outside."

"Do you think he'll be long?, said the 'Boat-swine'.

The gunner replied "If as how

'E comes back as quick as 'e left us,

'E should be here anytime now."

And all this time Joe, treading water,

Was trying his hardest to float,

'E shouted through turmoil of battle -

"Tell someone to lowere a boat."

'E'd come to the top for assistance,

Then down to the bottom 'ed go;

This up and down kind of existence

Made everyone laugh, except Joe.

At last he could stand it no longer,

And next time he came to the top

'E said, "If you don't come and save me

I'll let these here canon balls drop."

It were Nelson at finish who saved him

And he said Joe deserved a V.C.

But seeing he hadn't one handy

'E gave Joe an egg for his tea.

And after the battle was over,

And vessel was safely in dock,

The sailors all saved up their coupons

And bought Joe a nice marble clock.

And Lead Us Not Into Temptation - Part 3 (addendum)

2009-04-26T11:09:00.000-07:00

To see the start of this love story go to Episode 1

It must have been the magical properties of the lake because after a few hours they were both young again - he particularly so - a real transformation!

She whispered something it his ear about her driving him to a wonderful place far, far away. She told him to get in her car go to sleep and she would drive like the clappers right through the night but for him not to worry for at the end of it she would sing him a lovely song. She warned him she would suddenly appear in a red dress and it would keep changing colours throughout the song.

Now with that wonderful introduction make switch off the lights and enjoy the video - it does take a while to start so please be patient.

Did you notice the remarkable effect she had on him? A young man again! Fancy that!

To return to sanity please click on SANITY . This will return you to where you were were when you took this mad detour!

I like this song very much - I think Celine Dion's version is by far the best, then Roy Orbison, then Cindi's but I used her's because she is more in character with the lady I feel, although much more 'loopy', surely!

Hello Folks, Sorry Plato is on holiday right now

2009-04-24T06:31:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry, Plato is not here. He in on holiday visiting Rhodes with Socrates.
He hopes to be back soon.

Please leave an appropriate message for him but do not tax his brain too much for he is working on a very complicated concept requiring full concentration, his next blog.

Ideas please!

Confessions please!

Comments please!

For a more sensible response please contact Eddie Bluelights on Clouds and Silvery Linings. Perhaps you should have gone there first!